Wow! I remember discovering masturbation as a kid.
What a shameful and pleasurable thing that was.
And then…fast forward to today…let’s get some perspective on masturbation and how it might affect our partner performance.
(And I hate using that word “performance” but there isn’t any other way to describe “how Dr. Willie works” so I’ll continue if you don’t mind…)
This article shows you some eye opening new facts to consider about masturbation and about how it may be contributing to desensitization…
Does masturbation cause problems getting hard, staying hard, or coming too fast/slow?
Hey, obviously, masturbation is actually a wonderful thing. It is amazing what it can do for us.
But overused or overdone, or done “wrong”, it has another side to it. Here’s how Al found this out.
Al had trouble with his erections. He goes to his doc. His doc does a blood test. “Testosterone is okay,” the doc says. The doc examines Al. “Everything seems okay.”
So the doc says to Al, “hey, you’re 30 now, and as you get older, things stop working as well. Plus you have a lot of stress in your life. A lot of this problem is from anxiety.”
The doc gives Al a prescription for a benzodiazapine Xanax that will “calm Al down”, and gives Al a scrip for Cialis.
And Al goes on his way.
Al doesn’t take the Xanax much, but he does take the Cialis pretty religiously. It seems to work okay, but after a year or two, not as well, and after 3 years, not at all.
Al wants a solution to his problem.
He doesn’t want to depend on pills or chemicals to have partner sex
And he’s in his 30s, is it really all so down hill from here?
Al comes to me and says, “Matt, I can’t get hard, I am not able to have a good erection much anymore. My girlfriend has to constantly stimulate me to get anywhere, and then it’s all over so fast. What do I do? I’m only in my thirties, I can’t imagine why things aren’t working. And my doc says it’s performance anxiety but that doesn’t seem completely right.”
I ask, “Al, what about your masturbation habits?”
Al says, sure I masturbate.
“Do you view porn?”
Well, not much. A little but not more than say once a month.
Okay, well you and everyone else, right Al?
Every guy views porn it seems, if only a little.
And really, life is full of porn triggers — non-porn that triggers sexual thoughts and fantasies and that in turn lead to sex hormones surging in the body…
Before I got into this work I do now, my male friends used to always be sending me photos through email of naked chicks and all this. (They don’t send them to me anymore and I’m grateful.)
I’ve talked about porn and you know a little more about that, but what about masturbation?
Everyone masturbates, right?
It’s totally cool to masturbate, but there are a lot of things that people don’t realize about masturbation.
You know what’s weird about masturbation? There are tribes in this world of men and women who don’t have a word for masturbation at all. As written recently about these African tribes:
The absence of masturbation among Aka and Ngandu men and women may be more surprising, and perhaps also harder to explain. Recall that the Hewletts did not find that masturbation is “frowned upon or punished,” but rather that there is just no general conception of it.
Masturbation isn’t as common or as universal as we think. It is practiced by some cultures a lot, and by other cultures not much.
I believe that masturbation has increased dramatically over the last 30 or 40 years. And it’s all due to the prevalence of sexual triggers.
Wake up, go to your phone. See 20 email and 10 Facebook updates, many triggering sexual thoughts. Cruise to Reddit or Craigslist and Youtube. Lots of sexual triggers there.
By the time you’ve downed a cup of coffee and headed for work, you’ve had 20 sexual thoughts and all this
Constant stimulus gets the sex hormones surging continuously throughout the day
And so these hormones surging create a tolerance by your body for them. Your body gets used to these constantly surging sex hormones.
And that brings desensitization on us.
Years ago, men didn’t have all that constant stimulus. They had to fantasize and jerk off to their thoughts not to high speed video.
And they strung their thoughts together by themselves, and interacted with other people without sexual triggers every second of the day.
It was such as different world because you went to a restaurant and people had to talk to each other. They didn’t have their phones to immerse themselves in. And they didn’t see sex, sex, sex everywhere, in every ad, every placemat, every radio and TV commercial, every banner ad…
They didn’t see the pictures in this article, either, LOL (the irony does not escape the Cookster.)
Masturbation is fine, but if you have desensitization, then it may be something you have to stop for awhile.
A bit of masturbation is no problem…but here is how it CAN be a problem…
Masturbation to “in the brain” ordinary fantasy has rarely caused problems in the past.
But today, it’s difficult for a man to masturbate to fantasy. The fantasy has to be about a porn scene or something erotic he saw in a movie, TV commercial, blog post, article, etc.
The fantasy is heavily enhanced by all the interactive gizmos we’re immersed in all day. And THAT is a potent recipe for sexual desensitization.
Because all those surging sex hormones all day every day cause desensitization, plain and simple. Toss in masturbation and you’ve got a lot of partner sex problems, erectile dysfunction, feeling little or nothing…
It seems that the more email, Facebook and high speed video we consume, the more we have those sex hormone surges throughout the day, the more we masturbate and the worse our partner sex experience is.
It’s no coincidence.
Masturbation with ejaculation results in loss of sexual energy at the best of times. But
The constant sexual triggers make it 100 times worse
I have guys in their 20s who have severe problems with getting hard. Basically they just can’t get it up for anything.
And what they have in common is, they started masturbating and using porn, and not just the porn of yesteryear, but the porn of today.
And, for the guys who are in their 40s or 50s or 60s, welcome to the world of constantly surging sex hormones resulting from all those triggers out there!
Desensitization, here we are!
Today’s interactive technologies and constant triggers results in changes to our brains that desensitize our brains to “normal” stimulus, say a real woman and a real pussy.
And those are real changes that are visible in brain scans. They aren’t “in your head.” They are real.
To overcome these brain changes, nothing works better than building up Oxytocin in your brain and in your dick
Oxytocin can restore the desensitization caused by sexual triggers, poor masturbation habits, too much masturbation, or a host of things including health problems.
If this resonates, leave a comment or question.
We will have a contest with one comment drawn at random and winning a free course valued at $197. The purpose of leaving a comment or question (completely private as far as who you are) is to help the 1000s of guys here at the Brotherhood. We all benefit!
Terri and Saul, Terri and Saul, how wonderful are you all.
How they met kind of by accident
How Terri looked at Saul and saw this total man of her dreams
How Saul looked at Terri and instantly knew, “I want her”
How they fucked like rabbits
How mad they were for each other
The time Terri did ____
The other time Saul did ____
How the kids came
How Terri got into her career
How Saul got into his golfing buddies, fishing and the bars after work
How they realized it had been a month since they had sex
How they vowed to try things again as if it was the old days
How they had some frank and honest talks
How that felt good
How that didn’t work for very long
How time went by
How Terri gained weight and looked kind of sallow and needed more makeup and had bad periods and then no periods at all
How Saul was losing his hair and not feeling like a man much anymore and didn’t like the pot belly when he looked in the mirror, the pot belly his father had had and that he swore he’d never have
How they realized it was several months since they had sex but they were okay with that (actually Terri realized, Saul had been keeping absolutely careful track of each day)
How Saul one day looked at Terri in the morning in bed next to him and realized he just didn’t find her attractive at all anymore
How Terri basked in the attention of this new guy at work who was selling them something, lunches with him and then other stuff
How Saul and Terri talked honestly one morning, and then again, and then again…endless talks…
How Saul’s willie didn’t work half the time with Terri
How Saul felt hardly anything anyway
How Saul was going to try to test his manhood again with a girl he met after work
But how Saul didn’t because he was scared of failure
And how Saul came to me and asked me if there was any hope
And what I told Saul
And how he agreed to try it
And how they both tried it for 3 weeks
And how Saul changed…to surprisingly devastatingly totally in love with Terri again
How they started making love two or three times a day
How they realized they could live this way forever and wanted to until the day they died
How Terri’s girlfriends started to remark on her losing weight, glowing, being happy, looking years younger
How Saul found that he was growing some of his lost hair back and his belly was no longer so fat
How Saul felt like a total stud now, able to nail any girl, but only wanting to nail Terri
How Saul felt so blessed in abundance having the best sex of his life for 30 minutes or longer every day, sometimes twice a day, with Terri, the only woman he ever wanted
How Saul began attracting abundance in his life on other levels —
How women fell all over Saul whereever he went even though he had eyes only for Terri
How Terri became more and more beautiful
How Saul realized he was the luckiest man alive and woke up grateful every day and had sex with Terri once, twice sometimes even three times most days…and the best sex either of them had ever had, by a country mile…
Now, 1. Leave a comment or question, and
A lot of guys think fucking is making love.
I am using the word “fuck” here in it’s real meaning. I am so glad we have this wonderful language so we can use it to the max. Forgive me if it seems crude or offensive but there is a reason…trust the Cookster!
The fucking program — men on it are responding to ancient reptile brain programs that are designed to get us off inside of a woman so we can get our semen up into her vagina as far back as possible.
By the way, I’m putting this picture here and before you complain that the Cookster is compromising his values (avoid triggers), this is a famous painting that hangs in the Louvre museum. It was *quite* controversial but spells it out beautifully, don’t you agree?
So back to the subject at hand.
Most guys don’t know this — but the truth is that semen lives for up to five days inside there, and if other men fuck the girl, the first guy’s semen fights it out with the second or third or fourth guy’s semen, and the winner migrates up and fertilizes her egg.
Sounds romantic, doesn’t it? It’s true — Nature’s Program is for us guys to always be fighting it out — with each other, with other guys’ sperm, just always fighting.
But is that the recipe for being happy?
Is it really this constant fighting?
And when we have sex, is it fucking, lovemaking or …?
So we approach lovemaking as fucking. We all know the difference between fucking and making love. Beyond everything else,
Fucking is what we do to her rather than with her
Fucking has its place. It can be fun to feel like a total man and just take her with a stiff hard cock and give it to her good. Very fun.
But there is something about it that separates us and makes us feel more lonely.
And so…the result is that afterwards, for a period of up to two weeks, our perceptions change. This is such a key point that most of us are never aware of.
Fucking causes deep dissatisfaction with our partner…and this can last two weeks
It’s hormonal, all driven by Nature’s Program.
We see her faults. She sees ours. We don’t feel the same sense of love. She doesn’t either.
Sometimes it seems that it may take two or three ejaculations/orgasms but after this fucking, if you pay close attention, you notice the perceptions shift.
And you begin looking more at other women. And she begins picking arguments. Right out of left field, she’ll say something bitchy and stupid. Where did that come from?
Women can turn witchy, bitchy and downright evil at worst. Or at best, just some overall moodiness and “I need some space”.
Now, contrast this with lovemaking. If you make love using Nature’s Programs, you can be looking into her eyes while your penis is deep inside her, and you and she can be feeling this strong love and connection that is like another world.
I call it Nirvana Sex. I think I got that phrase from one of the guys here (thank you!) and it really fits.
And this can last not for 3 or 5 or 10 minutes, but for 30 minutes, 60 minutes or more, and not once but several times a day.
And you can have this even if you’ve been together 37 years, or even if you and she were “bored” with each other.
It’s all a matter of using Nature’s Programs and you get to pick which one you want to use. You can consciously select which one, but you can’t have any control over the programs themselves.
If you pick the fuck program you let it take you over and you revel in it. The fuck program leads to dissatisfaction and unhappiness and the answer seems to be more fucking…and that leads to still more…no wonder we’ve been unhappy. We have a crap sex life because of Nature’s Programs.
Fortunately we can pick another program — this one for Nirvana Love
If you pick the make love program, you feel it like a wave over your whole body and you revel in it. I can’t really use words to describe. It is really heaven, really really. It is all I ever want to do, and it goes on and on and on and just is so pleasurable that it makes normal orgasms seem kind of trivial.
You have to experience it to understand it. And that can take a bit of time and isn’t always easy if you are deep into the fucking program.
But Cookster, I thought that all partner sex makes you feel closer and bonds you together…is that not so?
It is not so.
The fucking program does not bond us. It may feel like it for a bit, but it actually has the opposite effect. It makes us feel closer for a short while then it makes us want to go out on the town and see what other pussy is out there.
And I’m not saying there is anything “wrong” with this.
But I am saying, that you want to decide which program to subject yourself to. That’s what it is — they each take over and run you. Your only real decision is gross behavioral ones that will lead you to one or the other program.
Fucking has its advantages
It is a lot of fun compared to wanking off to porn.
Also, it does put you on Cloud 9 afterwards, you kind of have that manly feeling as you walk around and interact with other people. It’s great for a while. Maybe a day or two.
And it is fun to nail the girl. No question. Sometimes I enjoy nailing my wife this way. She likes it too of course. Sometimes.
But there are a lot of disadvantages.
Fucking causes desensitization
It causes more desensitization, without a doubt. So it leads you away from fixing desensitization.
It also makes her less sensitive. Women have this problem too, although of course they don’t show it as much as guys do. Women who need it rough, who use vibrators, who get bored with their men, who show low or no sexual interest…are often desensitized as well.
(There an be other reasons why women are shut down to sex, more complex ones than men, because Nature’s Programs for women require the woman to be much more focused on relationships than men have to be, and with this focus comes more complex reasons for shutdown.)
But back to the disadvantages
Fucking causes unhappiness and constant seeking out new experiences that become old real quick
Now you see why the advice from all the bullshit sexologists is such crap.
Do something new. New girl, new positions, new sex toys, new fantasies.
And if you are down this road already (the Dopamine Track as you will recognize from my prior writing) you know this is a recipe for total loneliness and constant dissatisfaction
While, the Nirvana Sex, the Oxytocin Track, is the recipe for being whole, complete, feeling nothing but the most amazing pleasure for 30 or 60 or 90 minutes, once or more per day, with the one you love more than anything else in the world.
Makes sense? Opens up your mind a bit to the possibilities, I hope? Yes?
So I’m thinking of doing a web training on Nirvana Sex
Yes, this is a subject so dear to my heart and to my life that I think you need to discover more about this so you can have it in your life.
So I’m thinking of doing a new web training on how to have this Nirvana Sex, sex you can experience that blows away your whole idea of what sex can be. It is sex as we all thought it was supposed to be.
Let me know if you have a question on it by posting here, or tell us your story.
Leave your story, or a comment or question that I can answer on the web training that’s coming up. It helps all of us to hear your thoughts. Help out the Brotherhood here — leave a comment, question or your story.
Matt here. I’ve helped 12,000 guys get great satisfaction from sex and the one thing that everyone wants to know going into this is, will this work for me?
And the answer is, yes it will. And you have to realize something nobody ever reveals or teaches.
Real life doesn’t work that way. Real life works much BETTER than in the porn movies.
It may sound weird, but now that I’ve fully recovered, I’m thrilled that my penis doesn’t work the way the porn movies show.
Sometimes my penis isn’t going to get as hard as it does other times..
I don’t know why this is but it is true. And I’ll tell you in a moment why I am thrilled about this!
It was always this way to some degree. But now that I’m older and I have sensitivity I probably never had since being a young teen, I really notice it more.
I can’t believe I missed it. Maybe you’re missing this too. It’s the fact that at least as we perceive them
Erections change, and women change
And the pleasure from sex is off the charts, but it’s 100,000% better than anything else or maybe only 99,999% percent – lol.
But it wasn’t this way before.
I was always struggling, always pushing
I’d try to get hard, I’d try so hard to be hard. I’d wish and want and push and push.
It took a long time before I realized, it’s also about listening and seeing and perceiving.
You can push and try, or you can just feel, and notice.
Erections don’t always happen when I want them to. They are not always as hard as I want them to be.
The more I’m okay with that, the less I suffer.
Some days are rock hard for awhile. Others not so rock hard.
Erections always get more flexible for the duration. As this is where you feel more, with a snake-like penis rather than a towel hanger. Rock hard penises don’t feel as much as the snake-like erect penises do.
And it’s not just erections that are better some days than other days.
Feelings are higher some days than other days.
Sometimes I feel extremely passionate and intense, and other times not so much.
I’m pretty sure that it’s sort of like a pendulum swinging back and forth between a lot of passion and less passion. It is hormones going back and forth between not exactly extremes, but further points. In the middle is balance.
Sometimes if I’ve gotten too close to the edge for too many times, somehow in a few days, the pendulum swings back to the lower passion side.
It always swings back and even at the low side, my love for my woman and my feelings are thousands of times what they were before.
And I’ve learned to appreciate these times too where it isn’t about the mad passion and I notice this.
And today I’m
Always in the mood — more or less
As a result, I have sex a lot more often and for a lot longer than any time in my former life.
And sometimes my penis is more up the occasion than at other times.
Sometimes my woman is more ready and interested than other times.
I don’t wait until we’re in the mood. We have sex quite a lot and for a long time even if we’re not quite in the mood. Sex this way is about love and connection and an exchange of energies.
Even when my erection isn’t as strong, it always works. I no longer stress out about this at all and strive to just notice and see what’s going on and be happy with whatever. Because
it’s more fun to surrender to what is, rather than try for something that isn’t
It’s fun to give up the struggle.
In fact, I think it’s perhaps a better thing not to have the strong passion each and every time. And for erections to be different each time.
It’s the rhythm of life and it’s wonderful.
I learned from a lot of Tao and Tantra tradition men and some in the more modern American tradition of a lot of sex, for a long time and very frequently.
And many of these practitioners emphasize not having a lot of passion as an ideal.
It’s that you are connecting without passion and just spend time together that way. And that the energy flows better between you without a huge turn-on.
If you aren’t feeling it today, or experiencing it today, maybe that’s better!
I’ll put that out there.
But this isn’t what I do and it isn’t really my experience. Maybe I’m not sufficiently enlightened but at least, it shows the variation that can exist in great sex and love-making.
In my world, the ideal is to get together with love for your partner and you notice your penis gets hard (sometimes after you insert soft) and you dwell in your partner’s smell and body and feel your love for her and it just goes on and on and time has no meaning and it could be an hour or two hours.
Sometimes it works exactly that way.
Sometimes it is about passion.
Sometimes it’s about feeling like a man and just loving to fuck.
It’s always different. Every erection is different, every time is different. What isn’t different is,
It’s never boring, and it’s always the best thing in the world.
It didn’t used to be that way.
Before…it got dull, I got interested in other women, there was always the search for the new position, the new place, the new thing.
The new woman.
That is all in the past and it’s always the most amazing, wonderful and pleasurable thing possible.
When you have this, you own the world. Nothing else is all that important and nothing really bad can happen. Your brain is in balance, your life is good and even adversity is just on the outside. Inside you are rich.
And best of all
It all works automatically…
My method works automatically.
It would have to. Because the desensitization happened automatically. And my method works that way too.
And the problem goes away. And the penis starts having these great erections. And you begin feeling sensitivity you may have never felt in your adult life.
It isn’t something that requires pushing, or trying. That never works anyway. Have you noticed, LOL?
And if you want to know where to start, then register for this free web training that is the basis for everything I will reveal to you.
Gary asked me recently, “Matt, I keep a photo of my girlfriend in my wallet. Sometimes I think about her and fantasize. Sometimes I take out her photo and put it in front of me, like at the gym while I’m doing my spinning exercise. Is this bad? Will this set me back in my recovery into fantastic sex that I want?”
In this article I want to answer this question posed by Gary.
Gary’s doing pretty well. He’s made big inroads with his testosterone and the programs in my Testosterone Rewind course are helping him fix his diet, his supplement regimen and his lifestyle so his blood sugars are reaching a normal level.
But Gary still suffers desensitization.
1. He doesn’t feel that much in his penis.
2. He often has sex with his girlfriend and can’t reach orgasm.
3. He often doesn’t get hard. It’s a crapshoot whether he will or he won’t. And often when he does get hard, the erection suddenly disappears at the worst moment.
These are all symptoms of desensitization.
But in this article we’re talking recovery and how fantasy can stop you from recovering from desensitization. I have mentioned many times that
The reptile brain can’t tell the difference between reality and fantasy
If Gary is wired to fantasy, he will be making his desensitization worse by fantasizing.
Why does fantasy hurt us? And isn’t it perfectly normal to fantasize?
Desensitization is a real, physiological problem. So think of another real physiological problem — I can can eat potato chips or an orange and it’s no big deal. There is a good amount of sugar and starch in these — but for me, it wouldn’t trigger a blood sugar problem.
But if I have had type two diabetes, I should avoid these foods because they will hurt my blood sugars and cause problems.
If you take a guy without desensitization, yeah he can fantasize. But for a guy who is recovering from desensitization, fantasy will hurt his recovery.
That’s because for instance in Gary’s case
Fantasy has wired his brain to respond to fantasy more than to a real woman
The brain kind of works like this: Brain cells fire, a rewarding spurt of dopamine makes the cells go “wow this is GREAT” and then you have feedback loop set up that will tend to want to continue that behavior that resulted in the rewarding dopamine spurt.
Dopamine is part of the brain’s reward circuitry, and the dopamine is what feels good about buying a new car, fucking a beautiful woman, getting a new iPad, or eating another cookie. It’s what makes heroin and cocaine so short-term rewarding.
We need dopamine to get out of bed in the morning. I love my dopamine. It makes me want my woman all the time. I love that.
But when you have become desensitized, your nerve cells fire and you get that dopamine reward from something OTHER than real sex with a real woman.
And the more often these nerves fire, and the dopamine surges, the more the brain gets carried away from being sensitive to real sex with a real woman. It gets to prefer the rush from porn, or fantasy…
That’s why practically
99% of all men who suffer desensitization need to keep away from fantasy
They need to get the brain cells firing with rewarding dopamine that happens from real sex with real women.
Now, there is such a thing as “good fantasy” and here’s what it is. It’s thinking about your girlfriend or your wife and feeling really good. Really, really good.
I can close my eyes and think of my wife and feel really good. The way I do when I see her in person.
I don’t fantasize a sex scene with her. I don’t fantasize a porn scene with her. It just feels really good, kind of dreamy. I feel really good.
And that’s how you can tell if a fantasy is bad or good. In general, any fantasy that makes you feel horny, or visualize a sex scene, should be avoided.
Just thinking of your woman and feeling really good — that’s good fantasy.
But for awhile, it may be difficult to have “good fantasy” so you may have to avoid all fantasy
That’s why guys in recovery shouldn’t be masturbating for awhile. The masturbation habits often involve fantasy and porn scenes. Whether the porn scenes are in a guy’s brain or on the computer screen, it’s all the same to the reptile brain.
The reptile brain doesn’t know the difference between fantasy and reality, remember?
Once you recover, you can masturbate generally. Unless it leads you back into porn (if you had a porn habit before.) But for awhile, you need to focus on recovering your sensitivity. And that means, avoiding all fantasy of every kind that leads you down the road to sex scenes and sex fantasies.
After you’ve fully recovered, then the fantasy is delicious and wonderful, so long as it’s the “good” kind, that makes you feel wonderful, and not the “bad” kind, that makes you feel horny
After a sex fantasy, you’ll feel horny for at least 30 minutes. That’s the time it takes for the spurt of sex hormones to subside in your system. So for that period, at least, you’ll be more prone to relapsing to masturbation and porn.
But if you have the “good” fantasy, which is not really a fantasy at all, but more a feeling, then you won’t get a horny feeling and you won’t be visualizing a sex scene.
How to tell the difference between good and bad fantasy
1. Involves visualizing sex scenes
2. Leads to you feeling horny
3. Leads to you wanting to rub one out
4. Leads you to feeling like you want something you don’t have
1. Involves thinking of the person you love
2. Feeling the love you have for her and feeling really good
3. You feel kind of sleepy and wonderful all over
In fact, it’s a great way to get to sleep, to think of her in that way. It makes you feel really great and sets up your sleep for good dreams and waking up really rested.
But be careful. Make sure you are ready for this before you try it. For the moment, until your dick is fully back into action and you have your full feeling and sensitivity back, maybe you should steer clear.
And if you are looking for that incredible gorgeous girlfriend, or wanting to get back into the game, register for our exclusive new Factor X Girlfriend This Weekend web training. You’ll discover how to get a gorgeous girlfriend even if you lack sexual confidence…
And PLEASE leave a question or comment about your situation, or about what you have discovered. All the guys here in the Brotherhood (only 0.0001% ever comment) will benefit! And I appreciate it as it tells me I’m on the right track and keeps me going, to be honest. Thank you.