Should you masturbate and fantasize about your girlfriend?

Gary asked me recently, “Matt, I keep a photo of my girlfriend in my wallet. Sometimes I think about her and fantasize. Sometimes I take out her photo and put it in front of me, like at the gym while I’m doing my spinning exercise. Is this bad? Will this set me back in my recovery into fantastic sex that I want?”

In this article I want to answer this question posed by Gary.

Gary’s doing pretty well. He’s made big inroads with his testosterone and the programs in my Testosterone Rewind course are helping him fix his diet, his supplement regimen and his lifestyle so his blood sugars are reaching a normal level.

All good.

four pretty black women

But Gary still suffers desensitization.

1. He doesn’t feel that much in his penis.

2. He often has sex with his girlfriend and can’t reach orgasm.

3. He often doesn’t get hard. It’s a crapshoot whether he will or he won’t. And often when he does get hard, the erection suddenly disappears at the worst moment.

These are all symptoms of desensitization.

But in this article we’re talking recovery and how fantasy can stop you from recovering from desensitization. I have mentioned many times that

The reptile brain can’t tell the difference between reality and fantasy

If Gary is wired to fantasy, he will be making his desensitization worse by fantasizing.

Why does fantasy hurt us? And isn’t it perfectly normal to fantasize?

Desensitization is a real, physiological problem. So think of another real physiological problem — I can can eat potato chips or an orange and it’s no big deal. There is a good amount of sugar and starch in these — but for me, it wouldn’t trigger a blood sugar problem.

But if I have had type two diabetes, I should avoid these foods because they will hurt my blood sugars and cause problems.

If you take a guy without desensitization, yeah he can fantasize. But for a guy who is recovering from desensitization, fantasy will hurt his recovery.

That’s because for instance in Gary’s case

Fantasy has wired his brain to respond to fantasy more than to a real woman

The brain kind of works like this: Brain cells fire, a rewarding spurt of dopamine makes the cells go “wow this is GREAT” and then you have feedback loop set up that will tend to want to continue that behavior that resulted in the rewarding dopamine spurt.

Dopamine is part of the brain’s reward circuitry, and the dopamine is what feels good about buying a new car, fucking a beautiful woman, getting a new iPad, or eating another cookie. It’s what makes heroin and cocaine so short-term rewarding.

We need dopamine to get out of bed in the morning. I love my dopamine. It makes me want my woman all the time. I love that.

But when you have become desensitized, your nerve cells fire and you get that dopamine reward from something OTHER than real sex with a real woman.

girlfriend what a pretty girl

And the more often these nerves fire, and the dopamine surges, the more the brain gets carried away from being sensitive to real sex with a real woman. It gets to prefer the rush from porn, or fantasy…

That’s why practically

99% of all men who suffer desensitization need to keep away from fantasy

They need to get the brain cells firing with rewarding dopamine that happens from real sex with real women.

Now, there is such a thing as “good fantasy” and here’s what it is. It’s thinking about your girlfriend or your wife and feeling really good. Really, really good.

I can close my eyes and think of my wife and feel really good. The way I do when I see her in person. 

I don’t fantasize a sex scene with her. I don’t fantasize a porn scene with her. It just feels really good, kind of dreamy. I feel really good.

And that’s how you can tell if a fantasy is bad or good. In general, any fantasy that makes you feel horny, or visualize a sex scene, should be avoided.

Just thinking of your woman and feeling really good — that’s good fantasy.

But for awhile, it may be difficult to have “good fantasy” so you may have to avoid all fantasy

That’s why guys in recovery shouldn’t be masturbating for awhile. The masturbation habits often involve fantasy and porn scenes. Whether the porn scenes are in a guy’s brain or on the computer screen, it’s all the same to the reptile brain.

The reptile brain doesn’t know the difference between fantasy and reality, remember?

 girl looking down at window

Once you recover, you can masturbate generally. Unless it leads you back into porn (if you had a porn habit before.) But for awhile, you need to focus on recovering your sensitivity. And that means, avoiding all fantasy of every kind that leads you down the road to sex scenes and sex fantasies.

After you’ve fully recovered, then the fantasy is delicious and wonderful, so long as it’s the “good” kind, that makes you feel wonderful, and not the “bad” kind, that makes you feel horny

After a sex fantasy, you’ll feel horny for at least 30 minutes. That’s the time it takes for the spurt of sex hormones to subside in your system. So for that period, at least, you’ll be more prone to relapsing to masturbation and porn.

But if you have the “good” fantasy, which is not really a fantasy at all, but more a feeling, then you won’t get a horny feeling and you won’t be visualizing a sex scene. 

How to tell the difference between good and bad fantasy

Bad fantasy:

1. Involves visualizing sex scenes

2. Leads to you feeling horny

3. Leads to you wanting to rub one out

4. Leads you to feeling like you want something you don’t have

Good fantasy:

1. Involves thinking of the person you love

2. Feeling the love you have for her and feeling really good

3. You feel kind of sleepy and wonderful all over

In fact, it’s a great way to get to sleep, to think of her in that way. It makes you feel really great and sets up your sleep for good dreams and waking up really rested.

girlfriend brunette latina

But be careful. Make sure you are ready for this before you try it. For the moment, until your dick is fully back into action and you have your full feeling and sensitivity back, maybe you should steer clear.

And if you are looking for that incredible gorgeous girlfriend, or wanting to get back into the game, register for our exclusive new  Factor X Girlfriend This Weekend web training. You’ll discover how to get a gorgeous girlfriend even if you lack sexual confidence…


 matt cook signature white background


And PLEASE leave a question or comment about your situation, or about what you have discovered. All the guys here in the Brotherhood (only 0.0001% ever comment) will benefit! And I appreciate it as it tells me I’m on the right track and keeps me going, to be honest. Thank you. 



About the Author

Matt Cook

Leave a Comment:

All fields with “*” are required


We’ll that is good news, I guess I am there then. Will begin the next phase, Thanks


I have stopped all porn and fantasizing for over a month now, still desensitized I think. I do have thoughts of the ladies in my life but am trying to be a good soldier. Have had problems with PE and keeping willie hard in the past. Am looking forward to being able to perform like a youngster again. Not easy but will continue. My question is how do I know when the desensitization is cured and to start the exercises in the program?

    Matt Cook

    the exercises can really help.

    Look for spontaneous erections (or semis), morning erections when you wake up, and glances and looks and unnecessary touches from strange women who want a part of your body in theirs, LOL.




Ok I’ve stopped porn and masterbation for a month. I am still desensitized. I try not to fantasize but that is really hard(not) to do.
I fantasize about my hot wife and great sex we used to have. I feel high anxiety when I can’t get it back.
My wife loves hard core sex but I have to really be hard to get her to come. I can stay
sorta hard for about two minutes then I get totally soft. Help.

    Matt Cook

    Congratulations, you are on the way. But it isn’t easy. Simple but not easy.

    You are both probably quite desensitized. IT will become much eeasier for her to come and for you to get hard and stay hard.




Hey Matt, is this applicable to women too? Seems it would be. I’m pretty sure it is. Twice a day. She got herself off twice a day. Became almost incapable of having sex with her mate and eventually alomost incapable of getting herself off. Ruined their marriage. He’s doing fine now but she’s still alone.
I’ve heard of women being addicted to materbation. Its NOT the same as a man. There’s some deep psychiological issues going on there with the women.
Any “science” on this being applicable to women???


It is clear that Matt Cook presents the most knowledge available on the overall subject of the physiology and psychology of sexuality. I’ve been helped physically by the T Course…


I forgot to mention my fantasy girl friend. This is actually pretty funny. A couple of years ago I got a VHS copy of the movie “San Francisco”, which was colorized by Ted Turner. Only the VHS version was colorized, for some reason. Well, this movie, made in 1936, stars Clark Gable, Spencer Tracy, and Jeanette MacDonald. I had known about Jeanette for a long time, and had often heard her sing the song “San Francisco”. But I had never seen her in color. She absolutely blew me away! I became instantly enthralled by her! If you haven’t seen her in color, here’s the deal: In black and white, she’s as beautiful as any woman there’s been in Hollywood. Add to that her flaming red hair and emerald green eyes (which sometimes seem to be acting on their own) and you’ve got a helluva woman! And then there’s her angelic lyric soprano voice! Fortunately, last Wednesday was the 49th anniversary of her passing and if she were still around, she’d be 111 in June, so she’s not a sexual threat.

Rick Taylor

I think this couod be the root of my problem. You certainly hit a cord here. Before I got your program, on sexual cofidance I was doing this just about every single night and/or morning. I was doing it to increase testopsteronme and develope more stamina by going just up to the edge and then backing off three or for times before coming. But I always reached orgasm sonner or later.
Last week I actually tried this “good fantasy” with a girl I am getting to know. It felt very good and also gave me a hard on. Is that good or bad? i thought good. I enjoyed it but did not masterbate, just rubbed it a little and enjoyed the sensuality of it.

Shelly Mcada

Hi Matt, you’ve piqued my curiosity again. After reading the article above, I wonder, with desensitization, does my husband’s constant looking, trying, pandering for another woman sexually cause him to be unable to get it up for me?


Great commentary. Every point that was touched upon is right on.


I find that the longer I get from having had sex with my last partner, the less I fantasize, period, and the less I get random erections. I do get semi-erections sometimes during an intimate position with my ballroom dance partner, which is not a romantic relationship. The physicality sends intimate signals to my brain.

Mark Anderson

My G/F is thousands of miles away in Asia…When I met her she had 3 B/F’s (me BF #3)..we had a wonderful week together at a seaside resort..B4 leaving she asked me IF I would buy a mag of sex stories & I said “sure”..In our resort room I looked through the stories & saw she had really enjoyed a story by underlining many parts….It involved a woman catching a BOY watching porno & she took him & did the “real thing” with that boy…

My G/f really “got-off” on that story!! I said you like this ? & she said YES! a couple weeks later while she was in her village & teasing me via TXT msges as “I was her master & she do anything I wished” (which is true) I told her to find a boy & “do him”..She was 27 & picked a teen who she catch staring at her all the time in church..

I sent her $$ for a room & she did the kid..All I ask is for the story & she told everything to me..As a teen I got NO sex (too shy& terrible acne) so this a wonderful fantasy for me…I really like her as she my fiancee & think of her at bed time…..maybe once a Yr or so I tell her to find another boy & get some sex because I know it’s good for her…(I don’t worry about losing her to a “BOY” !!) just don’t want her to find another guy my age who can support her…
Boys over there are all broke (NO $$) so not a worry about her leaving me 4 them

…I even had her go with a BBC just for the “experience” as he 10″ & me 7″ so she could feel a BIG one (plus experience a BLK guy who was a friend of a friend)…He brutal on her (all 3 holes as I emailed him she loves anal)& went almost ALL NT but for her “once was enough” of that….

For a while I could be a fast cummer & I watched porn (esp BBC & cute wht girls
which is a very HOT scene for me !!) & held “it in” & not cum & those videos fixed my problem..After that I could last a hell of a L-T with very cute girls
I met in a disco….BUT I must admit I enjoy porno as at home I don’t have a G/F….NO Ques the brain is the greatest & largest sex organ…any comments ??
(I did my best to NOT make this so long..) Castro


Excellent info!! recovery is a while away but being selective and see the woman I love not sexually but doing the couple things helps and stopping all porn and sexual fantasy has helped…..a few more weeks and hopefully willie will be up and normal


Great info Matt! I’ve been in recovery now a couple of months and gradually what you said would happen is happening! My morning wood has returned, but I seem to have stored a lot of the fantasy stories I previously enjoyed, but they are replaying at night causing me to relapse into masturbation, every other 3rd day. This article today helps a lot, I just need to try harder.
The only problem is, I have morning wood but only if I lay on my right or left side with legs straight out as if standing. If I roll over on my back willie goes soft….any thoughts on that?

    Matt Cook

    Tom, chances are the erections will get better in any position. Right now it sounds like the blood flow from gravity when you are on your back is draining the penis and preventing good erections but that should resolve in time.

    The fantasy stories are really quite important to eliminate. You can focus on a distraction of some kind, or picture a “red X” in your head that reaches for the sky and is accompanied by sirens and noises, or you can be hyper aware of the feel of your clothing and your feet and shoes, all these techniques can distract you from fantasy.

    Fantasy causes us to be horny for a half hour even if we stop the fantasy in a few seconds…so expect that the feeling and desire to masturbate will be strong for a half hour or so.




Matt- Thank you for this information.I do fantasize and lately have been trying to think more about my wife more and less about some made up, phony woman. My wife has put up with a lot since I got cancer and we are trying to get our lovelife back and I have had a desensitation problem. But you are helping me a lot. I have been on a testo program (androgel)for a few months and do take a lot of supplements. I am going to try and use your information from now on. I am still on morphine and I know that affects things but will soon, hopefully, be off of that. Thank you again for all of your info.I appreciate it. When tax season is over I will probably order one of your courses, maybe T Rewind.

    Matt Cook

    Wow, nice to see how you are progressing there with your wife. I think T Rewind would be very helpful. The problem with testosterone supplements often is the production of female hormone and a lot of other issues, but sometimes it’s great that this option is now available. The fantasy stuff seems quite subtle but once you notice it, you realize it is actually huge!




Hi Matt. Love all the advice u’ve given me to date. I started off with the Big Bang, the the Testosterone Lift off.

I’m a divorced man single now for the last 3 years coming out of a 26+ yr marriage. I’ve been dealing with a lack of sensivity now for the last 15+ yrs. the last 5 on the marriage there were no sex at all partly due to lack of sex drive & then the rejection from the ex wife. I had gotten to where I really ever got a hard on, maybe once a week if I was lucky.

After the separation from my ex wife, I went off of my anti-depressants with on 6 months. I knew that was part of my lack of sex drive. I remember. I remembered for a long time when having sex with my wife when we were somewhat active, I’d stick my dick in her but could not feel much if anything.

After the separation I got into masterbating more & more thinking it would or might help to get my drive back but would go limp within 2 or 3 minutes into masterbatong and then not be able to get hard again for a Two or three days.

It was frustrating.

I started dating a girl I had known for many years & I tried Viagra & Levitra. My Dr. would not let me try Cialas because of my being on blood pressure meds & it being a 36 hr pill. But the Levitra helped much better than the Visgra. But still there were lots of times when I could not tell I had taken anything.

It was very frustrating. When I did have sex I started having pre-maturt ejeculation again after yrs of that not being a problem then now it is all a sudden.

Since changing my diet from reading Testosterone Lift Off & getting on the recommended vitamin Suppliments & coming off if some of my prescription meds. I’m feeling much better. I found out 1 1/2 yrs ago my Testosterone lever was below normal and went of the Andro Gel 1.62% 3 pumps a day. It got my levels up but didn’t do a thing for my ED.

Since getting into reading & listening to your material Matt. I’ve reduced my Andro Gel to one pump a day, working on eating the right foods u recommended walking a couple miles a day for my exercise…. Doing the Cagle exercises almost daily.

I can tell a vast difference in my erections coming back. Most mornings I wake up with a boner or if I’m not hard when I wake, I’ll start doing my cagle exercises & before I’m finished I’m rock hard. I have masterbated some very lightly.

Not squeezing hard like I used to & sometimes would lube up with a very light feel. I’m not dating anyone now & haven’t in over a year not cause I don’t any to set myself up for failure.

It’s easier not yo date than to fail.

But I’m wanting to get back out there and start dating again.

Not that I realize it’s ok if willie gets hard or not is not my falt. I get hard not several times most days not. It feels good to lat or sit there feeling my cock rock hard. Lightly feeling of it and thinking WOW that feels sooo good to get hard and stay hard for sometimes 10-15 minutes. But at least 5-10 minutes.

I’m wanting to experience what u been teaching Matt on swimming around the pool staying away from the waterfall maintaining a level of 5-7 and linger in there.

I’m so eager to see & feel and allow myself to become more & more sensitive to the inside of her vagina.

Hopefully soon I can let u know hie it feels. But right now I’m enjoying my daily erections. The pressure to perform is off well fore the most part anyways.

Will let u know the outcome when it happens Matt. Thanks a bunch for sharing your secret u got from your friend.

I’m grateful to you man.


Hi Matt,
I was hesitant at first to follow your advice but I am working on it.
The cold shower idea seemed crazy but it really works.
The flat lining part was really weird and like you said you think you only have a penis to pee with.
Letting go of porn was hard but liberating.
After about three or four weeks of flat lining, I have awoken two mornings in a row with major boners. Capital M Capital b.
Is this normal and will this continue in the future?


    Matt Cook

    congratulations, a man who takes action. Robert, things will get better and better….you have NO idea how wonderful it can be, far better than ever before. Stay the course!




Once again, what you say makes a lot of sense. Thanks for coming up with a natural approach to treating ED.


Good info, Matt! Would you believe I have a fantasy that’s 56 years old? It concerns a classmate of mine in high school who now lives in France. I saw her 5 years ago and she’s hotter now than she was back then! Of course, this isn’t a particularly effective fantasy because of the time and distance factors; my visualization is very hazy. I also have some involving my late wife, but I don’t allow those to get into sex situations because I know what happens if I do. These are just good times we had; love, not sex.

Nick A.

Sorry for the typos…below.

Nick A.

Matt, your article males sense and seems logical. One issue that also needs to be addressed is what led to so much fantasy. Is it that the wife or girlfriend doesn’t meet the guy’s expectations? Are the expectations realistic? Issues like these may need to be resolved before one can make progress in reducing or stopping the fantasy. I had a great experience in my teens that I want to keep replaying in my mind and experience again in reality wit my wife. We had some great sex but I find the one earlier in my life seems to be the standard by which I compare others. And what I go to when I’m having alone time (when my wife can’t or doesn’t want sex). To follow you advice will be a real test of self-control…which is the real issue.

Thanks for the article.


My wife is still the most beautiful woman in the world and we’re married going on 19 years. I’m 43 years old. Recovering and moving forward thanks to you Matt. Another great article.


Im struggling with this now matt, ur right on the mony with this

Leave a Comment:

All fields with “*” are required