Fucking versus making love

Fuck.

A lot of guys think fucking is making love.

I am using the word “fuck” here in it’s real meaning. I am so glad we have this wonderful language so we can use it to the max. Forgive me if it seems crude or offensive but there is a reason…trust the Cookster!

The fucking program — men on it are responding to ancient reptile brain programs that are designed to get us off inside of a woman so we can get our semen up into her vagina as far back as possible.

By the way, I’m putting this picture here and before you complain that the Cookster is compromising his values (avoid triggers), this is a famous painting that hangs in the Louvre museum. It was *quite* controversial but spells it out beautifully, don’t you agree?

courbet painting vagina

So back to the subject at hand.

Most guys don’t know this — but the truth is that semen lives for up to five days inside there, and if other men fuck the girl, the first guy’s semen fights it out with the second or third or fourth guy’s semen, and the winner migrates up and fertilizes her egg.

Sounds romantic, doesn’t it? It’s true — Nature’s Program is for us guys to always be fighting it out — with each other, with other guys’ sperm, just always fighting.

But is that the recipe for being happy? 

Is it really this constant fighting?

And when we have sex, is it fucking, lovemaking or …?

So we approach lovemaking as fucking. We all know the difference between fucking and making love. Beyond everything else,

Fucking is what we do to her rather than with her

Fucking has its place. It can be fun to feel like a total man and just take her with a stiff hard cock and give it to her good. Very fun.

But there is something about it that separates us and makes us feel more lonely.

women dressed as vaginas

courtesy of flickr.com/photos/uberdork/

And so…the result is that afterwards, for a period of up to two weeks, our perceptions change. This is such a key point that most of us are never aware of.

In fact,

Fucking causes deep dissatisfaction with our partner…and this can last two weeks

It’s hormonal, all driven by Nature’s Program.

We see her faults. She sees ours. We don’t feel the same sense of love. She doesn’t either.

Sometimes it seems that it may take two or three ejaculations/orgasms but after this fucking, if you pay close attention, you notice the perceptions shift.

And you begin looking more at other women. And she begins picking arguments. Right out of left field, she’ll say something bitchy and stupid. Where did that come from?

Women can turn witchy, bitchy and downright evil at worst. Or at best, just some overall moodiness and “I need some space”.

Now, contrast this with lovemaking. If you make love using Nature’s Programs, you can be looking into her eyes while your penis is deep inside her, and you and she can be feeling this strong love and connection that is like another world.

asian woman in fishnet stockings

I call it Nirvana Sex. I think I got that phrase from one of the guys here (thank you!) and it really fits.

And this can last not for 3 or 5 or 10 minutes, but for 30 minutes, 60 minutes or more, and not once but several times a day.

And you can have this even if you’ve been together 37 years, or even if you and she were “bored” with each other.

It’s all a matter of using Nature’s Programs and you get to pick which one you want to use. You can consciously select which one, but you can’t have any control over the programs themselves.

If you pick the fuck program you let it take you over and you revel in it. The fuck program leads to dissatisfaction and unhappiness and the answer seems to be more fucking…and that leads to still more…no wonder we’ve been unhappy. We have a crap sex life because of Nature’s Programs.

Fortunately we can pick another program — this one for Nirvana Love

If you pick the make love program, you feel it like a wave over your whole body and you revel in it. I can’t really use words to describe. It is really heaven, really really. It is all I ever want to do, and it goes on and on and on and just is so pleasurable that it makes normal orgasms seem kind of trivial.

You have to experience it to understand it. And that can take a bit of time and isn’t always easy if you are deep into the fucking program.

But Cookster, I thought that all partner sex makes you feel closer and bonds you together…is that not so? 

It is not so.

The fucking program does not bond us. It may feel like it for a bit, but it actually has the opposite effect. It makes us feel closer for a short while then it makes us want to go out on the town and see what other pussy is out there.

And I’m not saying there is anything “wrong” with this.

pretty girl face with glasses

But I am saying, that you want to decide which program to subject yourself to. That’s what it is — they each take over and run you. Your only real decision is gross behavioral ones that will lead you to one or the other program. 

Fucking has its advantages

It is a lot of fun compared to wanking off to porn.

Also, it does put you on Cloud 9 afterwards, you kind of have that manly feeling as you walk around and interact with other people. It’s great for a while. Maybe a day or two.

And it is fun to nail the girl. No question. Sometimes I enjoy nailing my wife this way. She likes it too of course. Sometimes.

But there are a lot of disadvantages.

First off…

Fucking causes desensitization

It causes more desensitization, without a doubt. So it leads you away from fixing desensitization.

It also makes her less sensitive. Women have this problem too, although of course they don’t show it as much as guys do. Women who need it rough, who use vibrators, who get bored with their men, who show low or no sexual interest…are often desensitized as well.

pretty girl in purple bathing suit

(There an be other reasons why women are shut down to sex, more complex ones than men, because Nature’s Programs for women require the woman to be much more focused on relationships than men have to be, and with this focus comes more complex reasons for shutdown.)

But back to the disadvantages 

Fucking causes unhappiness and constant seeking out new experiences that become old real quick

Now you see why the advice from all the bullshit sexologists is such crap.

Do something new. New girl, new positions, new sex toys, new fantasies.

And if you are down this road already (the Dopamine Track as you will recognize from my prior writing) you know this is a recipe for total loneliness and constant dissatisfaction

While, the Nirvana Sex, the Oxytocin Track, is the recipe for being whole, complete, feeling nothing but the most amazing pleasure for 30 or 60 or 90 minutes, once or more per day, with the one you love more than anything else in the world.

Makes sense? Opens up your mind a bit to the possibilities, I hope? Yes?

So I’m thinking of doing a web training on Nirvana Sex

Yes, this is a subject so dear to my heart and to my life that I think you need to discover more about this so you can have it in your life.

So I’m thinking of doing a new web training on how to have this Nirvana Sex, sex you can experience that blows away your whole idea of what sex can be. It is sex as we all thought it was supposed to be. 

Let me know if you have a question on it by posting here, or tell us your story.

Leave your story, or a comment or question that I can answer on the web training that’s coming up. It helps all of us to hear your thoughts. Help out the Brotherhood here — leave a comment, question or your story.

warmly

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Matt Cook

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Randy Berg

Tried the email address given but did not work.

Question: do you work with affiliates to help sell your products?
If so, do you use a particular vendor or sell direct?
Please advise as am impressed by your website and product.

thanks
Randy Berg
( another guy from Minnesota )

Mr. 83, Widowed

At 77 I was widowed after 47 married years (2007). At 83 I have a new girlfriend 76 who “loves me, enjoys sex.” I tell her, “love at 83 is NOTHING like love at 30.” My sex interest fell into porn the last 5 years. She can get me hard, and I’ve used Viagra / Cialis but orgasm only happens during LONG alone masturbation. Your “desensitation” theory sounds like it may be right on. I’m going to try abstinence for next two weeks and see what goes. Then I’ll work on the month period. You may have hit it right as all I see is sexy women everywhere — even on my morning weather forecaster on TV.

Tex

Cookster…you are right on the money. The hard cold fact is that anyone can FUCK and very few men know how to make love. Making love is like a dance and the dance can go on for hours. Many women have never made love there entire life. Once they have had the opportunity to make love there common response is “OMG that was unbelievable!!” how do you do that. Once a woman has made love, she wants to experience that feeling again and will keep in touch with you. So far everything the Cookster has talked about is right on the money.

Hope he is on the money with correcting desensitization. Be nice to have Willie have the endurance he once had.

Lets get going.
Tex

Brent Stonebraker

I want to order the Matt Cook Big Bang program, but your website will not let me back in

Ritchie Rich

I see how it all began my ex wife cut off sex and it seems all i have done for more than ten years now is visit Rosie palm and her sisters (masturbation) I have hated her for a while and it prompted my departure, since I have been a victim of performance anxiety, please help!

Ed

I would love to see a new webinar on this subject.
I am on the road to recovery(I hope) but, after 18 years of masturbation to porn stories it will likely take awhile.

    Matt Cook

    It will take awhile, Ed, but not as long as you may think. The webinar I’m going to do is going to show you some amazing shortcuts to it going from “not so good” to “absolutely wonderful, can’t believe this is not a dream”.

    It worked that way for me.

    warmly

    –Matt

Patrick

I have a wife and a wonderfully loving mutual relationship, but I just cannot get on fire towards her. Yet I really do not to share a life with anyone else. We married, for the first time, in our 50’s, and are very comfortable in each others’ life, but we have not had sex in years( my fault on that). I give her great massages, but willie doesn’t salute. I CAN get him going with occasional other women, but that is a huge problem just waiting to happen. THIS is desensitization at its max.

    Matt Cook

    Wow, Patrick, welcome here. I am so glad to hear you tell us that story.

    It can get better and you can become madly attracted to her again, and she to you.

    Brain chemistry causes desensitization and through behavioral changes we can get it back better than “normal” whatever that is.

    I have no use for normal. Normal guys our age are “meh” about their wives or long time girlfriends and that isn’t what I have and it isn’t what you’ll have either once you continue on this path.

    It can be better than anyone can imagine. With the same person you’ve been with!

    warmly

    –Matt

Geoff

Can the desensitization be deterred somehow? Or is there a way to keep from the being desensitized?

henry

you are right on target with makinfg love instead of just fucking , just sex for sex lvs an emptiness

after the fact you look back and say wish i had done this for her and so forth but love makin is making love exploring all she has tryingeverything to make her squirm deep breath make noises such as pussy farts sounds gross but tits when she just can control her vagina and squeeses all the air out just after you have used your tongue on her and blew a little air in there,

well been married to the lady i loved for over 26 yrs in the past 5 yrs she has repeated ly cheated o me we separated but got back together as frieds with benefits but the sex is just that sex , todya reading your article reminded me of when we made love ,

remeber when i first met her she wasnt into the sex thing and i said i wasnt either i wantedto make love to her and that was what i did the first time and he responsdedd so awesomely she squirted and came gigantically 3 and 4 times during sex and we had sex 3-5 times aday as we could in the car inthe pool inthe tub in theshower you get the scene

but someting changed after i found out she was cheating on me and then the love making just became sex and i guess that i miss making love so much

now i want to find someone i can do that with as much as i did when i first met her but guessits her i should be doing it with

hope this wasnt to much for your readers or you never put my feeling into words like this

well have a great day

AND MAKE LOVE IT FEELS SO GOOD FOR BOTH OF YOU , BUT FUCKING IS GOOD FO THE SHORT TERM BUT IF YOUR GOING TO FUCK HER GIVE IT A LITTLE LOVE MKING AND BOY WILL YOU FEEL THE RESULTS AND SHE WIL TO

Phil

Hi Matt. Yep agree ths is well worth looking at. There is a lot us men need to understand and all the info we can get helps us be better for the people closest to us. Have plenty of issues on desensitization and trying to get over being cheated on etc etc. Makes you stop and look back at the past and see so many things that you want to change. just have to convince the partner that it’s worth trying some thing new? Keep up the good work Matt. Your info can be pricless.

Tony

Hi Matt,
This article really struck a chord with me, so here’s my story. I’m in my late 60’s and I lost my wife several years ago. When that happened I thought ” Well, that’s it. Finito. It’s all over now” and I shrunk back into my shell like a hermit. Then, last summer, completely out of the blue, an amazing thing happened – I met a really special lady and, suddenly, the world seemed alright again.
But it wasn’t alright. That’s when I discovered I had desensitization issues. And, of course, these were made worse by my anxiety over whether or not I could perform satisfactorily in bed. You see, my sweet girl was only in her 40’s, with the normal appetite of a woman in her prime.

As you can imagine, I was very confused – nothing like this had ever happened to me before and I certainly had no idea that the problem was so common. I’d always been able to rise to the occasion and I assumed that it was the same with most other men, so I was horrified when I suddenly couldn’t perform.

Fortunately, my woman is so understanding ( I can think of many who would get an attitude, thinking that I didn’t find them attractive any more) and she helped me deal with it. Also, your articles have put the problem into perspective, showing that it’s far more widespread than I’d ever thought.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, she said exactly the same as you : there are many ways to make love with each other and they don’t always involve having penetrative sex. The key to it is to be with someone you are really, truly, head-over-heels in love with. Which brings me back to your article : the difference between lovemaking and just shagging. When you’re with the partner whom you really love, love deep down within your soul, you are really making love in the widest sense of the word and you spend hours and hours just enjoying the togetherness, exploring each other’s body and giving your partner exquisite pleasure. I can tell you that, despite having several wives and umpteen girlfriends during my life, I have never experienced lovemaking as intense and fulfilling as I do now.

It’s beyond words.

Making love with this gal has even brought some of the sensitivity back – it’s not like it used to be, but it’s better than it was. And even though it’s not like before, there is still an upside to this (pun intended!). Explicit girlie porn pics no longer turn me on : the only thing that gets me going now are the erotic thoughts I have for my woman. And isn’t this how it’s meant to be? I don’t fantasize about porno babes any more ; I just fantasize about my lover and, I can tell you, it’s infinitely better.

Louis

Matt, with all due respect, being an expert on ED and desensitization does not also make you an expert on the sexual preferences of men and women. Where on earth did you come up with the claim that there might be more men who enjoy giving oral than receiving it? I don’t know of any dude who would PREFER to give than to receive and I know men who are not a fan of giving. I mean, you’re talking about putting your mouth on something the bleeds once a month and is prone to infections. Due to me desensitization, I’ve had to put focus on pleasing women in other ways, so maybe the guys you’re referring to are ones such as myself who would shy away from receiving oral and believe that until ED issues are resolved, giving great oral to a woman is an absolute requirement. I CAN’T WAIT to resolve my ED issues so that I, among everything else, can feel what it’s like to get an amazing BJ from a woman.

    Woof

    Louis, you need to relax.

    I prefer giving oral sex to receiving it. In fact, I prefer it A LOT more. There is a vast joy to be had in pleasing my partner, in making her squirm, and sigh, and come, and WANT me inside her, and want to cuddle afterwards.

    If you’re worried about infections, or blood, or “dirty places”, maybe you and your partner should try a warm, sudsy, sexy shower together before you hit the sheets, hmm?

      Lou

      Woof- You’re here with me so I assume you also have ED issues. Therefore, you may fit the percentage of men who actually do prefer to give than receive because you’ve probably been required to learn how to please women in ways other than intercourse. The main point here is that I would be shocked if there were multiple, credible, and scientific studies concluding that the majority of men prefer to give than receive. Wouldn’t you be shocked if such studies also showed that women prefer to give than receive? Matt just spoke as if what he reported was a fact-even though he did not reference any scientific research to support his claim. Sexuality is complex and based on so many factors.

        James

        Lou
        I am sorry to tell you that ED issues have nothing to do with how a man wants to please his woman. There are plenty of men who do prefer orally pleasing to being please can tell you for a fact i have been that way since 16 or 17 years old. 63 now found out that ritalin for add does not help erections just in case anyone needs to know that.

        jim

          Lou

          “ED issues have nothing to do with how a man wants to please a woman.” Really? So if I have ANY issue, wouldn’t that cause me to place more focus on something else to compensate for the negative effects of a particular issue? That’s just common sense. That’s actually what the human body does when harmed. Look, if you just love sticking your face down there, all the power to you, but it doesn’t sound like you’re too big on scientific research. If you read my message correctly, you would understand that my argument is NOT about there being many men who prefer to give than receive, but that it is incorrect to make the generalization that this is the case for MOST-again let that sink in- MOST men.

John

That makes a ton of sense, Matt.

usman datti

After reading the above article clearfully,
I realised that I have learned a lot out of it,
And mihgt trigger me to adjust some of my sexual
Behaviours.thanks

M J Anderson

YES…..Look into each other’s eyes for “wall-socket SEX” !!

Chris

men will have maybe 10sec if it is good 20sec of high at the end of it
is it possible for this to last 5-minutes 10-20-30 will u not go mad
blow a fuse.
is it possible?

Ann

I’m a 66 y/o woman, had a sex partner. Now we are lovers! The first time we were making love (more than sex), we were both astounded! That first experience bound us with a connection neither of us had before. It truly transformed our relationship, there are no time,distance constraints. It raised the bar for intimacy , we are as one now. The reason I read this column is to get into the minds of the other half of the population! I’m smarter now!!

Rick

Yes I agree with you and Rod; the eyes have it. There is something SO much more sensual and sexual about the communication that goes on while watching her eyes and whole face while my cock is sliding into her. The reactions I get from HER are the greatest turn ons and my greatest memories.
This is what I want to get back into my life and keep forever.

ky

I love just pressing up against a beautiful woman, does it for me, especially when i’m hard, touching, looking and then easing myself into her when me and her
are ready. its a trip. Nirvana sex, seems cool, and i know it is more real than these very words, i can just feel it

    Matt Cook

    it is so real. And it has spilled out over the rest of my life and brought great abundance.

    I think that abundant sexual pleasure and connection brings abundance to the rest of life. There is no such thing as being anything but rich when you have this. You will never envy any other man again.

    warmly

    –Matt

Rod

The eyes have it , the window to the soul… my wife and I, our first connect was the eye contact which we have lost and I am searching to get that back…that sensitivity to each other and kindness in words and actions.
I think we are apart because we did that connect early but lost it in my focus on my work.
This effected our intimacy and it unraveled from there.
And with it my willie was lost as well.

I am learning here…nirvana sex?
any regular skin to skin would be a good start.

frank

This sounds like something the Yogis have been doing for thousands of years: Tantric Sex-where you use the energies of human sexuality to deepen love and spiritual bonding. Nobody around anymore to teach us though unfortunately. :(

I think your nirvana sex is an excellent idea-keep us posted!

Ken

Great article Matt, Thanks. It completely explains my last marriage. I wanted the nirvana sex with plenty of kissing, touching, and eye contact, she just wanted to get fucked or have me get her off with the Buzzer, or just get herself off with her hands. Many, many times after a fuck session I felt drained and it was almost disgusting even looking at her. Eventually I didn’t want to even touch her. No emotional connection at all. Kissing and eye contact is where its at. Did you know protitutes won’t kiss their John’s? Won’t look them in the eye either. Too intimate.

Andrew

Matt, this is a top of the line article. Here is my take on it. My definition of love is putting the other person (or thing) first, before all other persons (or things). It is first a choice then a commitment. Sex for sex’s sake is NOT love. It is sex. That’s why it’s called sex. Sex reinforces the love by orgasm, and this creates a phenome-type substance that strengthens the romantic ties to the partner by way of pride and honor. The woman must be honored, not dishonored. Loved and not used. She must be waited on by the one she loves. Why do women like silk next to their skin? Because it is soft to the touch. So touch her softly, caress her with eye contact and see the adoration shine through. These partners are so very special so treat them as special. This woman is the woman you love, have put first, honor, and she will add dignity to you life. I was blessed with the finest of all women as my wife of 25 years and she died. As Doneit says, there is nothing better than true love, and sex is a reinforcement to that love, not love itself. Gentlemen – WAIT ON THE WOMAN and she will wait for you.

    Tony

    I totally agree, Andrew.

Doneit

Been with the same woman for over 40 years, and there is nothing better than true love. One of you may eventually want more sex, but if it means giving up love, it is not worth it. Rather find a way to increase your partners ability.
Your partner may have physical problems so be slow and careful but it is possible to increase ability if you learn patience. The end result makes the 10 your with become a 20. It does not matter whether it is you or her that has the problem just work together through it. Your life will become much more satisfied and happy. You will be able to even smile at disagreements because you know the love is there forever. Wishing you the kind of happiness I have.

Mike

Thanks for this article! I’m going to print it out on 3×5 cards and hand them out outside Curves!

No, seriously, this is great info. I was going to say great news, but it’s really not news. We just need to be reminded that fucking doesn’t usually last 30 minutes or lead to nirvana. And at my age, I’m in no hurry. I think Ol’ Ben Franklin used this knowledge to his advantage.

lins

Fucking is raw and self satisfying, Love making is just the opposite. It is satisfying the other. Make sure of her pleasure forgoing your own if necessary, with or with out ejaculation. We all can use training to increase our pleasure delivery and techniques. I for one will require much practice in not ejaculating right off.

munir

Ah fucking and love making physically they are identical but whats the difference its the emotional aspect which seperates the two. In one case ie Fucking the inerest of only one of the two parterners is above all and is more lust than any thing else. Generally the sole indevidual is generally the male and not the female, but in this modern age it could also be the woman as well in this I for my self am some what uncertain. Its just slam bamb thank you mama sort of approach feeling less an act that is started and has to be finished. On the other hand when it comes to love making its act of pleasure and acceptance for both the man and woman. The greater mutual involvement in one another the greater desire to please and satisfy the becomes a part of whole act of love making. In short making love is to take one love to the next absolute level its as if two bodies join merge as one for the duration. The result is the greatest strongest bond ever.

Bri

Wow… this is different. Have never heard of this before. I’m open to web training on this…

Maxwell Adams

My question is, how can I get hard and stay hard and experience this for myself? It’s been 12 years and I don’t want another failure. Can you help me?

Jack Beanstalk

I really have always wanted that emotional connection…and that is why I prefer to go slower, but the girlfriends I’ve had have wanted me to speed it up. I am convinced they are desensitized Matt.

And I love the experience of looking her in the eyes and really connecting. I always thought there was something weird about me. I’m discovering that other men feel the same way. This is amazing.

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