Help! I went on a date and failed to perform
So last night I had a third date with this really cool girl Parker.
Parker is blonde, 5’3, blue green eyes, exactly my type. She’s really a nice girl and I really like her.
We’re both looking for work and both graduated some years ago, so we have that in common. We went back to her place and talked about how that’s all going, applying and some stories that were fun.
And as we’re talking we’re together on the couch and I have my arm around her and I’m really worried. I’m feeling inside, like HEY SOMETHING IS GONNA HAPPEN. I’m nervous, I’m nervous, I’m nervous.
Then as it’s sort of expected of me I have her bra off and I’m kissing her breasts and all that. And inside that voice is going,
It’s not gonna work…it’s gonna fail!
I had been really horny and aroused on our date. Like blue balls aroused. Just when I looked at her across the restaurant dinner table I felt the ol’ willie stirring. Like that. My underwear was wet with pre-cum.
But now, later on, with her on the couch, kissing her breasts, I had the oddest feeling. It was such a switch thrown that I couldn’t believe it.
I have never had such a “from hot to cold” feeling, 100 times worse than getting a really hot shower and suddenly the water is icy cold. It’s like
I’m suddenly so tired. So low energy. I can hardly move.
And I don’t want to be here kissing her breasts and she wants me to move into the bedroom and move into her. It was all I lusted after before the date but it’s SO different now. I guess it’s so different because now I know it ain’t gonna work.
I just don’t want to because I know it isn’t going to work.
I know that this tired, tired, no-energy feeling is a result of “it’s not going to work, why bother, nervous nervous nervous.”
I just had this pit in my stomach and I felt all cold all over and I felt like I had to get out of there.
I wanted to bolt.
But I didn’t.
So we go through what I already know is going to be a charade. A show. I take her into the bedroom, I take my clothes off, it isn’t hard.
She is obviously horny and she is lying back with her panties off now and I can see her shaved bush and she wants me on top and inside her. This would be an arousing scene but inside I’m so cold and lifeless. I feel so dead, so nothing. And I’m kind of watching myself play this part out like watching an actor on TV.
Because I just know, that Dr. Willie isn’t having any of it. I knew, I knew, I knew, he wasn’t going to get hard. No way, no how.
But we have to go through this little show, don’t we?
I can’t just run away (although I want to.)
And I really like this girl Parker. Although at the moment I’m just kind of all feeling flat, low energy, dead not just down there but tired and dead in general. And I’m not thinking clearly either.
She kisses my penis and tries to give me a blow job but it’s like limp time and she’s trying and trying.
I say, “gee this never happened before” and all this.
Anyway that was the end of that date. What a feeling, kind of slinking away from her apartment into the night, with my tail definitely between my legs.
I go home and here’s the weird thing. I’m feeling sorry, so sorry for myself. And my balls ache. So…
I jerk it…
And it gets hard and I come. Now how is that for total bullshit?
Oh, and get this: I’m texting her the next day and she kind of ignores me until hours later. And at some point it’s a back and forth. She says she doesn’t want to see me on dates but wants to be friends.
I say, hey I think you’re hot, give me another chance. That hasn’t happened before, is the reason you want to just be friends the frustration and all that? Because I think you’re really a hot girl, beautiful in fact, and I know we can have a great time together.
She says, no it’s not that. It’s just not a good time now, I realize that now, bla bla, and besides when I’m with you I just don’t feel “it” inside. I don’t get that feeling. You’re a really nice guy and I really like you. It’s not the bedroom thing. It’s just that it doesn’t happen for me when I’m with you. I’m sorry.
And that’s my story.
What advice do you have for me.
By the way, you can call me It’s Not Happening.
—–
Okay, boys. Now I want to hear *your* experience with a girl this way. I have some definite suggestions for It’s Not Happening but I’m more interested in our sharing stories on this. So share! It can be a time with…
Maybe your wife.
Maybe your girlfriend.
Maybe a third date.
The reason this is important is, this kind of sharing helps ALL of the Brothers.
And for now we’ll continue with the Contest…a comment will be drawn and the winner gets a $197 course
warmly
Did masturbation cause my desensitization?
Wow! I remember discovering masturbation as a kid.
Ka-blooie!
What a shameful and pleasurable thing that was.
And then…fast forward to today…let’s get some perspective on masturbation and how it might affect our partner performance.
(And I hate using that word “performance” but there isn’t any other way to describe “how Dr. Willie works” so I’ll continue if you don’t mind…)
This article shows you some eye opening new facts to consider about masturbation and about how it may be contributing to desensitization…
Does masturbation cause problems getting hard, staying hard, or coming too fast/slow?
Hey, obviously, masturbation is actually a wonderful thing. It is amazing what it can do for us.
- Get to sleep
- Feel more relaxed
- Feel less lonely
- Feel really good!!
But overused or overdone, or done “wrong”, it has another side to it. Here’s how Al found this out.
Al had trouble with his erections. He goes to his doc. His doc does a blood test. “Testosterone is okay,” the doc says. The doc examines Al. “Everything seems okay.”
So the doc says to Al, “hey, you’re 30 now, and as you get older, things stop working as well. Plus you have a lot of stress in your life. A lot of this problem is from anxiety.”
The doc gives Al a prescription for a benzodiazapine Xanax that will “calm Al down”, and gives Al a scrip for Cialis.
And Al goes on his way.
Al doesn’t take the Xanax much, but he does take the Cialis pretty religiously. It seems to work okay, but after a year or two, not as well, and after 3 years, not at all.
Al wants a solution to his problem.
He doesn’t want to depend on pills or chemicals to have partner sex
And he’s in his 30s, is it really all so down hill from here?
Al comes to me and says, “Matt, I can’t get hard, I am not able to have a good erection much anymore. My girlfriend has to constantly stimulate me to get anywhere, and then it’s all over so fast. What do I do? I’m only in my thirties, I can’t imagine why things aren’t working. And my doc says it’s performance anxiety but that doesn’t seem completely right.”
I ask, “Al, what about your masturbation habits?”
Al says, sure I masturbate.
“Do you view porn?”
Well, not much. A little but not more than say once a month.
Okay, well you and everyone else, right Al?
Every guy views porn it seems, if only a little.
And really, life is full of porn triggers — non-porn that triggers sexual thoughts and fantasies and that in turn lead to sex hormones surging in the body…
Before I got into this work I do now, my male friends used to always be sending me photos through email of naked chicks and all this. (They don’t send them to me anymore and I’m grateful.)
I’ve talked about porn and you know a little more about that, but what about masturbation?
Everyone masturbates, right?
It’s totally cool to masturbate, but there are a lot of things that people don’t realize about masturbation.
You know what’s weird about masturbation? There are tribes in this world of men and women who don’t have a word for masturbation at all. As written recently about these African tribes:
The absence of masturbation among Aka and Ngandu men and women may be more surprising, and perhaps also harder to explain. Recall that the Hewletts did not find that masturbation is “frowned upon or punished,” but rather that there is just no general conception of it.
Masturbation isn’t as common or as universal as we think. It is practiced by some cultures a lot, and by other cultures not much.
I believe that masturbation has increased dramatically over the last 30 or 40 years. And it’s all due to the prevalence of sexual triggers.
Wake up, go to your phone. See 20 email and 10 Facebook updates, many triggering sexual thoughts. Cruise to Reddit or Craigslist and Youtube. Lots of sexual triggers there.
By the time you’ve downed a cup of coffee and headed for work, you’ve had 20 sexual thoughts and all this
Constant stimulus gets the sex hormones surging continuously throughout the day
And so these hormones surging create a tolerance by your body for them. Your body gets used to these constantly surging sex hormones.
And that brings desensitization on us.
Years ago, men didn’t have all that constant stimulus. They had to fantasize and jerk off to their thoughts not to high speed video.
And they strung their thoughts together by themselves, and interacted with other people without sexual triggers every second of the day.
It was such as different world because you went to a restaurant and people had to talk to each other. They didn’t have their phones to immerse themselves in. And they didn’t see sex, sex, sex everywhere, in every ad, every placemat, every radio and TV commercial, every banner ad…
They didn’t see the pictures in this article, either, LOL (the irony does not escape the Cookster.)
Masturbation is fine, but if you have desensitization, then it may be something you have to stop for awhile.
A bit of masturbation is no problem…but here is how it CAN be a problem…
Masturbation to “in the brain” ordinary fantasy has rarely caused problems in the past.
But today, it’s difficult for a man to masturbate to fantasy. The fantasy has to be about a porn scene or something erotic he saw in a movie, TV commercial, blog post, article, etc.
The fantasy is heavily enhanced by all the interactive gizmos we’re immersed in all day. And THAT is a potent recipe for sexual desensitization.
Because all those surging sex hormones all day every day cause desensitization, plain and simple. Toss in masturbation and you’ve got a lot of partner sex problems, erectile dysfunction, feeling little or nothing…
It seems that the more email, Facebook and high speed video we consume, the more we have those sex hormone surges throughout the day, the more we masturbate and the worse our partner sex experience is.
It’s no coincidence.
Masturbation with ejaculation results in loss of sexual energy at the best of times. But
The constant sexual triggers make it 100 times worse
I have guys in their 20s who have severe problems with getting hard. Basically they just can’t get it up for anything.
And what they have in common is, they started masturbating and using porn, and not just the porn of yesteryear, but the porn of today.
And, for the guys who are in their 40s or 50s or 60s, welcome to the world of constantly surging sex hormones resulting from all those triggers out there!
Desensitization, here we are!
Today’s interactive technologies and constant triggers results in changes to our brains that desensitize our brains to “normal” stimulus, say a real woman and a real pussy.
And those are real changes that are visible in brain scans. They aren’t “in your head.” They are real.
To overcome these brain changes, nothing works better than building up Oxytocin in your brain and in your dick
Oxytocin can restore the desensitization caused by sexual triggers, poor masturbation habits, too much masturbation, or a host of things including health problems.
If this resonates, leave a comment or question.
We will have a contest with one comment drawn at random and winning a free course valued at $197. The purpose of leaving a comment or question (completely private as far as who you are) is to help the 1000s of guys here at the Brotherhood. We all benefit!
warmly
Stop pleasing her in bed – and why she doesn't want sex as much as you do
This article is for you if your woman doesn’t seem to be into sex as much as you, or if Dr. Willie isn’t doing what you want him to.
It shows another way to have sex, a way that is free from pleasing her at all, and why you should pay close attention to this new way of thinking about sex, and try it for yourself.
I’ll start with George.
George was telling me that he is fed up with trying to please her in bed.
It’s a huge burden on guys when they think they have to please their woman.
I told George this.
And I said, “George, are you open to the idea that ends the need or desire to perform, and the need or desire to please her?”
But Matt, isn’t that selfish of me? And don’t guys love to please their women in bed?
Years ago, these guys in the East figured all this stuff out. And they figured that sex can be looked on as many things:
1. fun stuff
2. an exchange of male and female energies
3. a way to connect fully with her
And it is all those things…but
What about sex that isn’t about porn star performance?
Somehow, though, there has been this insidious awful thing that has happened to men and women.
They’ve watched so much porn…that they’ve programmed their brains that they have to “perform” like porn stars.
When you get over this, you can actually please her even MORE. Because when you are trying to please her, you are putting the burden on HER to perform.
When a girl sees you trying to please her, what does she do?
“Half the time I just tell my guy that I’m fine, when I actually feel both embarrassed and frustrated. I experienced exactly the same difficulties when I was young and during my ten-year marriage, so it’s got nothing to do with my age.
“I can tell it perplexes my boyfriend, who prides himself on being a considerate lover. I’m worried he’ll lose patience with me.”
And we wonder why girls don’t like sex as much as guys do?
Girls love sex. It is what they too live for. But a guy trying to perform puts pressure on the girl to respond. And the girl feels that pressure much more, because
Girls live to please their men, and if they aren’t pleased, they feel really bad
So it works like this:
1. Guy tries to please the girl in bed
2. She may not be entirely there, she may be there in bed physically but mentally she’s doing the laundry, worried about the older son’s being out late, or thinking about the dangers of being pregnant.
3. She sees the guy trying, and she feels really bad that she’s not responding.
4. He feels bad that his “performance” isn’t up to snuff, and he blames her for it. She’s frigid, she is shut down, she’s not into sex much, bla bla bla.
5. He doubts his own manhood and maybe his erections stop happening because the penis knows what’s going on and the penis isn’t happy when the owner isn’t trusting the penis.
See, it all started with the girl and the boy discovering porn. And watching so much porn, and the porn-ified society we live in even if you aren’t watching porn…it affects expectations.
Guys think they need to perform. And that puts pressure on women and ruins it all.
How can a guy have sex without pressure to perform?
We’re all so used to the porn idea of sex … climbing up the hill, raising sexual tensions…and then at the top of the hill the blessed event of orgasm.
But what if that isn’t what sex is about at all?
What if you could have sex for an hour or more, with no pressure at all to perform?
What if pleasing her was the last thing on your mind when you were inside her?
I can hear you asking…
But isn’t it terribly selfish if you aren’t try to please her?
No, it’s not.
It’s giving and caring.
There is a difference between taking, taking, taking…and not working to please her.
George described what it was like before he “got” this idea:
“We don’t have sex nearly as often as I want. And when we do, it’s routine. It’s always the same. I give her some oral, maybe she comes or maybe not. Then she’s wet and I enter her. And I usually come, frankly it only takes a few minutes and then it’s over.”
Nothing wrong with any of it. There are no rules around sex as long as both people agree, right?
True. So nothing wrong with trying to please her.
But the selfishness angle — if you aren’t just taking from her, and you aren’t trying to please her…then you are making her responsible for her own pleasure. You are no longer responsible.
Pretty interesting idea, no? And sometimes girls dig on a guy that just takes. Sometimes girls just want a guy to take charge, tell her what to do, and plow. Sometimes.
But other times, most times, you can have the best sex of your life by focusing on your own pleasure, without just being a taker.
What a huge relief this is, and your sex life turns around…and if you are having willie problems, guess what?
Removing this pressure does something brilliant downstairs…erections begin coming and staying a lot longer and without all that effort or worry.
Listen to what one of my students said about this idea:
|
I’ve been following your advice for maybe a month now… The member is working better then it ever has before. My wife is up for intercourse ANYTIME and has taken to seducing me if we go more then a day without having intercourse. This is very confusing but what the heck, it’s very wonderful too! I think the concept you teach regarding focusing on your self was a game changer for us. My wife is very generous and really knows how to give pleasure. Now I just relax into it and let her know what a delightful lover she is and how much I enjoy our sexual relationship and how happy I am with our new love life and her. She’s 55 and I’m 66. We’ve been together for 29 years. I can’t speak for her but my half of our love life is better than anything I’ve ever experienced before. So good that I feel guilty about feeling so happy! (People from Minnesota are like that) — Senior from Minnesota |
It is a game changer for all of us.
By focusing on ourselves and our own pleasure, we can actually free both ourselves and our partner from the pressure to perform.
And that is where great sex and performance just happens.
Not the porn star performance, but sex that is much, much better.
If you think this is cool, here’s what you do. Click here to register for my web training on this.
And leave a comment or question that I’ll answer on the web training.
warmly
Stop pleasing her in bed – and why she doesn’t want sex as much as you do
This article is for you if your woman doesn’t seem to be into sex as much as you, or if Dr. Willie isn’t doing what you want him to.
It shows another way to have sex, a way that is free from pleasing her at all, and why you should pay close attention to this new way of thinking about sex, and try it for yourself.
I’ll start with George.
George was telling me that he is fed up with trying to please her in bed.
It’s a huge burden on guys when they think they have to please their woman.
I told George this.
And I said, “George, are you open to the idea that ends the need or desire to perform, and the need or desire to please her?”
But Matt, isn’t that selfish of me? And don’t guys love to please their women in bed?
Years ago, these guys in the East figured all this stuff out. And they figured that sex can be looked on as many things:
1. fun stuff
2. an exchange of male and female energies
3. a way to connect fully with her
And it is all those things…but
What about sex that isn’t about porn star performance?
Somehow, though, there has been this insidious awful thing that has happened to men and women.
They’ve watched so much porn…that they’ve programmed their brains that they have to “perform” like porn stars.
When you get over this, you can actually please her even MORE. Because when you are trying to please her, you are putting the burden on HER to perform.
When a girl sees you trying to please her, what does she do?
“Half the time I just tell my guy that I’m fine, when I actually feel both embarrassed and frustrated. I experienced exactly the same difficulties when I was young and during my ten-year marriage, so it’s got nothing to do with my age.
“I can tell it perplexes my boyfriend, who prides himself on being a considerate lover. I’m worried he’ll lose patience with me.”
And we wonder why girls don’t like sex as much as guys do?
Girls love sex. It is what they too live for. But a guy trying to perform puts pressure on the girl to respond. And the girl feels that pressure much more, because
Girls live to please their men, and if they aren’t pleased, they feel really bad
So it works like this:
1. Guy tries to please the girl in bed
2. She may not be entirely there, she may be there in bed physically but mentally she’s doing the laundry, worried about the older son’s being out late, or thinking about the dangers of being pregnant.
3. She sees the guy trying, and she feels really bad that she’s not responding.
4. He feels bad that his “performance” isn’t up to snuff, and he blames her for it. She’s frigid, she is shut down, she’s not into sex much, bla bla bla.
5. He doubts his own manhood and maybe his erections stop happening because the penis knows what’s going on and the penis isn’t happy when the owner isn’t trusting the penis.
See, it all started with the girl and the boy discovering porn. And watching so much porn, and the porn-ified society we live in even if you aren’t watching porn…it affects expectations.
Guys think they need to perform. And that puts pressure on women and ruins it all.
How can a guy have sex without pressure to perform?
We’re all so used to the porn idea of sex … climbing up the hill, raising sexual tensions…and then at the top of the hill the blessed event of orgasm.
But what if that isn’t what sex is about at all?
What if you could have sex for an hour or more, with no pressure at all to perform?
What if pleasing her was the last thing on your mind when you were inside her?
I can hear you asking…
But isn’t it terribly selfish if you aren’t try to please her?
No, it’s not.
It’s giving and caring.
There is a difference between taking, taking, taking…and not working to please her.
George described what it was like before he “got” this idea:
“We don’t have sex nearly as often as I want. And when we do, it’s routine. It’s always the same. I give her some oral, maybe she comes or maybe not. Then she’s wet and I enter her. And I usually come, frankly it only takes a few minutes and then it’s over.”
Nothing wrong with any of it. There are no rules around sex as long as both people agree, right?
True. So nothing wrong with trying to please her.
But the selfishness angle — if you aren’t just taking from her, and you aren’t trying to please her…then you are making her responsible for her own pleasure. You are no longer responsible.
Pretty interesting idea, no? And sometimes girls dig on a guy that just takes. Sometimes girls just want a guy to take charge, tell her what to do, and plow. Sometimes.
But other times, most times, you can have the best sex of your life by focusing on your own pleasure, without just being a taker.
What a huge relief this is, and your sex life turns around…and if you are having willie problems, guess what?
Removing this pressure does something brilliant downstairs…erections begin coming and staying a lot longer and without all that effort or worry.
Listen to what one of my students said about this idea:
|
I’ve been following your advice for maybe a month now… The member is working better then it ever has before. My wife is up for intercourse ANYTIME and has taken to seducing me if we go more then a day without having intercourse. This is very confusing but what the heck, it’s very wonderful too! I think the concept you teach regarding focusing on your self was a game changer for us. My wife is very generous and really knows how to give pleasure. Now I just relax into it and let her know what a delightful lover she is and how much I enjoy our sexual relationship and how happy I am with our new love life and her. She’s 55 and I’m 66. We’ve been together for 29 years. I can’t speak for her but my half of our love life is better than anything I’ve ever experienced before. So good that I feel guilty about feeling so happy! (People from Minnesota are like that) — Senior from Minnesota |
It is a game changer for all of us.
By focusing on ourselves and our own pleasure, we can actually free both ourselves and our partner from the pressure to perform.
And that is where great sex and performance just happens.
Not the porn star performance, but sex that is much, much better.
If you think this is cool, here’s what you do. Click here to register for my web training on this.
And leave a comment or question that I’ll answer on the web training.
warmly
Turn Eternal Crappiness Into Eternal Happiness
Terri and Saul, Terri and Saul, how wonderful are you all.
How they met kind of by accident
How Terri looked at Saul and saw this total man of her dreams
How Saul looked at Terri and instantly knew, “I want her”
How they fucked like rabbits
How mad they were for each other
The time Terri did ____
The other time Saul did ____
How the kids came
How Terri got into her career
How Saul got into his golfing buddies, fishing and the bars after work
How they realized it had been a month since they had sex
How they vowed to try things again as if it was the old days
How they had some frank and honest talks
How that felt good
How that didn’t work for very long
How time went by
How Terri gained weight and looked kind of sallow and needed more makeup and had bad periods and then no periods at all
How Saul was losing his hair and not feeling like a man much anymore and didn’t like the pot belly when he looked in the mirror, the pot belly his father had had and that he swore he’d never have
How they realized it was several months since they had sex but they were okay with that (actually Terri realized, Saul had been keeping absolutely careful track of each day)
How Saul one day looked at Terri in the morning in bed next to him and realized he just didn’t find her attractive at all anymore
How Terri basked in the attention of this new guy at work who was selling them something, lunches with him and then other stuff
How Saul and Terri talked honestly one morning, and then again, and then again…endless talks…
How Saul’s willie didn’t work half the time with Terri
How Saul felt hardly anything anyway
How Saul was going to try to test his manhood again with a girl he met after work
But how Saul didn’t because he was scared of failure
And how Saul came to me and asked me if there was any hope
And what I told Saul
And how he agreed to try it
And how they both tried it for 3 weeks
And how Saul changed…to surprisingly devastatingly totally in love with Terri again
How they started making love two or three times a day
How they realized they could live this way forever and wanted to until the day they died
How Terri’s girlfriends started to remark on her losing weight, glowing, being happy, looking years younger
How Saul found that he was growing some of his lost hair back and his belly was no longer so fat
How Saul felt like a total stud now, able to nail any girl, but only wanting to nail Terri
How Saul felt so blessed in abundance having the best sex of his life for 30 minutes or longer every day, sometimes twice a day, with Terri, the only woman he ever wanted
How Saul began attracting abundance in his life on other levels —
How women fell all over Saul whereever he went even though he had eyes only for Terri
How Terri became more and more beautiful
How Saul realized he was the luckiest man alive and woke up grateful every day and had sex with Terri once, twice sometimes even three times most days…and the best sex either of them had ever had, by a country mile…
Now, 1. Leave a comment or question, and
2. Click here to register for the upcoming web training.
warmly