Help! I went on a date and failed to perform

So last night I had a third date with this really cool girl Parker.

Parker is blonde, 5’3, blue green eyes, exactly my type. She’s really a nice girl and I really like her.

We’re both looking for work and both graduated some years ago, so we have that in common. We went back to her place and talked about how that’s all going, applying and some stories that were fun.

couple on date

And as we’re talking we’re together on the couch and I have my arm around her and I’m really worried. I’m feeling inside, like HEY SOMETHING IS GONNA HAPPEN. I’m nervous, I’m nervous, I’m nervous.

Then as it’s sort of expected of me I have her bra off and I’m kissing her breasts and all that. And inside that voice is going,

It’s not gonna work…it’s gonna fail!

I had been really horny and aroused on our date. Like blue balls aroused. Just when I looked at her across the restaurant dinner table I felt the ol’ willie stirring. Like that. My underwear was wet with pre-cum.

But now, later on, with her on the couch, kissing her breasts, I had the oddest feeling. It was such a switch thrown that I couldn’t believe it.

woman lying on bed very erotic 

I have never had such a “from hot to cold” feeling, 100 times worse than getting a really hot shower and suddenly the water is icy cold. It’s like

I’m suddenly so tired. So low energy. I can hardly move.

And I don’t want to be here kissing her breasts and she wants me to move into the bedroom and move into her. It was all I lusted after before the date but it’s SO different now. I guess it’s so different because now I know it ain’t gonna work.

I just don’t want to because I know it isn’t going to work.

I know that this tired, tired, no-energy feeling is a result of “it’s not going to work, why bother, nervous nervous nervous.”

I just had this pit in my stomach and I felt all cold all over and I felt like I had to get out of there.

I wanted to bolt. 

But I didn’t.

So we go through what I already know is going to be a charade. A show. I take her into the bedroom, I take my clothes off, it isn’t hard.

She is obviously horny and she is lying back with her panties off now and I can see her shaved bush and she wants me on top and inside her. This would be an arousing scene but inside I’m so cold and lifeless. I feel so dead, so nothing. And I’m kind of watching myself play this part out like watching an actor on TV.

Because I just know, that Dr. Willie isn’t having any of it. I knew, I knew, I knew, he wasn’t going to get hard. No way, no how.

But we have to go through this little show, don’t we?

I can’t just run away (although I want to.)

And I really like this girl Parker. Although at the moment I’m just kind of all feeling flat, low energy, dead not just down there but tired and dead in general. And I’m not thinking clearly either.

She kisses my penis and tries to give me a blow job but it’s like limp time and she’s trying and trying.

gorgeous girl on knees

I say, “gee this never happened before” and all this. 

Anyway that was the end of that date. What a feeling, kind of slinking away from her apartment into the night, with my tail definitely between my legs.

I go home and here’s the weird thing. I’m feeling sorry, so sorry for myself. And my balls ache. So…

I jerk it…

And it gets hard and I come. Now how is that for total bullshit? 

Oh, and get this: I’m texting her the next day and she kind of ignores me until hours later. And at some point it’s a back and forth. She says she doesn’t want to see me on dates but wants to be friends.

I say, hey I think you’re hot, give me another chance. That hasn’t happened before, is the reason you want to just be friends the frustration and all that? Because I think you’re really a hot girl, beautiful in fact, and I know we can have a great time together.

She says, no it’s not that. It’s just not a good time now, I realize that now, bla bla, and besides when I’m with you I just don’t feel “it” inside. I don’t get that feeling. You’re a really nice guy and I really like you. It’s not the bedroom thing. It’s just that it doesn’t happen for me when I’m with you. I’m sorry.

woman lying on couch

And that’s my story.

What advice do you have for me.

By the way, you can call me It’s Not Happening.

—–

Okay, boys. Now I want to hear *your* experience with a girl this way. I have some definite suggestions for It’s Not Happening but I’m more interested in our sharing stories on this. So share! It can be a time with…

Maybe your wife.

Maybe your girlfriend.

Maybe a third date.

The reason this is important is, this kind of sharing helps ALL of the Brothers.

guy leaning on wall given up on finding a girlfriend

And for now we’ll continue with the Contest…a comment will be drawn and the winner gets a $197 course

warmly

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Matt Cook

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jackie

I am in the eighties in good physical health but was not able to get hard during my wife’s eight year fight with diabetes and eventual death. Accordingly I have the same problem experienced by most of the men here. I do not look at porn which can put me in the mood without achieving success. The blue pill did nothing for me. What are the chances that your methods will be helpful. My mental facilities are above average and can handle complex problems.

Zep

I met an online one night stand using fling.com… I rented a hotel with jaccuzzi and we started off great, but then it happened. I felt the heat of passion but my dick stopped responding, I was fine for a week before that, but now I’m not. It’s never been naturally responding since. It’s been 8 months without a lay and many girls to peruse but can’t .. I’m a single dad of 2 and the doc says I have low testosterone and I’ve been taking the supplements to address that. However my sex drive is gone, what do I do :(

    Zep

    Everything in the article above is EXACTLY what I went through.. The worst part about it, she never replied back, and I felt cursed and powerless. She did everything write, I was totally into her, but the sex drive and cock went on strike… I’m even willing to see an exorcist if I need to! What do I do?

JEd

Met this cute little 57 year old blond. Short, slim, and very sweet. I am 61. We took things slow, getting to know each other first. Then, when things graduated to the bedroom and we were both naked, I found that I could bring her to orgasm manually and orally, but she wasn’t able to get me hard. Very little hardening, mostly flaccid, and definitely not enough to go any further. She was understanding the first time, and the second, but the third time, even though she said it was still OK, I think it changed things. We haven’t been seeing much of each other lately, and she is making the “we should just be friends” sounds. I am trying Kegels, concentrating on non-erotic self arousal, and laying off porn. Not much happening yet, but I just started trying these things.

Ruben

I think this has happened to all of us. We get turned on and then just like that we can get turned off. It’s so frustrating, man, but it happens. I hope Matt Cook can help us out here. Keep reading this site. There is a lot of insight and support here for you, It’s Not Happening.

ky

Just loving the root relaxation and just get it, dont try, and everything else, and love the chance of going in a draw.

Mike

Today is the first Valentine’s Day since 1988 without my marvelous wife, who died April 4, 2013. I miss her very much. We were very good horizontal partners, although our frequency declined as the years rolled by. We just ate up our time with other habits and pursuits. When we were married, she was 45 and had not been married before. She had not been celibate all that time, of course. On this day, I remember one of the greatest things she said to me. She said that of all the partners she had, I was the best, and she loved my technique. I’m sure I’m not the only guy she said that to, but what makes it so great for me is that I was the last guy she said it to.

KatyRN

Also, Have been there! However, since Dr Willie doesn’t always rise to the demand that our performance desires require. Plan B should be enacted. Divert her attention by verbalizing to her that it is important to you that SHE is satisfied first. Focus on increasing and prolonging her anticipation of the “big event” by utilizing the lotion on her nightstand or in her bathroom. Giving her a sensual massage that is centered on her other erogenous zones and working toward her genitals will always be appreciated. Additionally, gentle hand massage circling toward the Clitoris and Labia while alternating oral will “heat her up” as well as giving you time to “recover” by providing a special view of her body while she is completely relaxed and is keenly aware that YOU are providing her with unique pleasures. If Dr Willie has not yet reacted, continue steering her toward the big O. Whatever disappointment she may have @ any “lack of performance” issue that you are experiencing will be muted by her awareness that your first concern is for her pleasure. Additionally, her gratitude with your knowledge and tenderness will lessen her concern about your body issues.

RJ

Been There… Total Frustration!!!
Let me start here, 55 years old no medical problems, decent shape.
I do Smoke, maybe a pack every 2 days.
Been separated since 2008 , not divorced due to Children and financially
Can’t afford it as I’m the single parent.
Three years after my separation had intimate relations with one younger woman by 9 years.
Seemed to take longer to become aroused and not rock hard as in the past. Prior this three years of Celibacy ,masturbation
And Porn… Couple of times just could not finish. I would get hard but not get to finish line. Ended relationship
With her due to her drinking like my ex of 23 years. Been there and did not want a repeat.
Now here is where problem started….
Last June I met a woman that has brought feelings after the first date that I had not had even with my ex.
After 3 more dates that we both new that we had a lot in common , enjoyed each other’s company ALOT!!
She invited me to her place for Dinner, had a couple of drinks then
We started to kiss and touch each other… I was aroused but Nervous, we went
Up to her Bedroom to get vertical so to speak and things started out great, passion was there, caressing each other, kiss after kiss was better and better… Except I was not as hard, she asked me to take her and how did I want it, her on her knees or on her back. I entered her but was again not as hard but she was so moist and never felt better. I felt myself getting harder and we were enjoying each other till I stated to get softer and softer and slid out just as she was wreathing in pleasure… Ugh!!!!
Well I felt devastated but we chalked it up to drinks and she knew I had a long day prior to dinner.
Our next night together was the same , now I’m wondering what’s wrong with me? She was real good and said don’t worry we are not as young as we once were… That was unexceptable to me! Our next night together it seemed that the old saying , third time is the Charm… Lasted 30 mins and had a incredible orgasm and she did also several times.
Ok now I’m fixed and enjoying time with her more and more.
Well it has been 6 months but it seems that I’m never sure if it will work . I get hard and start but after a few minutes I start getting softer and softer then oops out I slip. I know that it’s bothering her but she says it doesn’t . I know it is because she won’t hold me close put her head on my chest or slowly touch and caress me anymore. I get her back to me when we go to bed now and only in the morning if he’s up and it feels like a chore.
I have purchased the Big Bang from you last August and have done the kegals, exercises,
Soft entry, lube etc but it’s only now and then that I can please her… Don’t know where to go from here… I really want to be with her but I’m afraid of losing her really bad now so confidence is low.
Want to be a man again!!!

    Matt Cook

    Did you go through the activities in Big Bang? Diligently? The kegels are just a small part (and not all that important compared to the other parts really).

    Let me know, let’s get to the bottom of this.

    warmly

    –Matt

Clint

Been there. This gal was THE most gorgeous woman .. smelled SO sweet.. was in the moment .. I thought it WAS time to “bring it on home” that third date however the hydraulics just were not “UP” to the opportunity.

And course the minute I got home, fired up the computer, found my favorites and stood at full attention .. came like a tidal wave.

Why, How?

Been talking with a $240 an hour shrink who has counseled hundreds of guys trying to seal the deal…

Some call it “porn-creep” … yhep.. sounds creepy for sure. But the longer I think about it the more I realize that I AM starting to get my money’s worth.

Come on guys.. lookin at porn.. who DOESNT? .. however, after several years of firing a few off every day or so watching some BEYOND normal babes doing ANYTHING the guys banging them want… its all a fantasy!

And in those “REAL MOMENTS” of when you have a “REAL WOMAN” all hot, wet and ready to go in you arms… you can’t “Free Willy” … heck, even poppin a little blue pill won’t help.

Ya gotta do your BEST to stay away from the porn.. I’m serious. Cost me countless dollars at the shrink trying to figure it out.. but it IS true.. now I may sneek a peek once or twice a month .. but not daily. And you know what.. when I’m with a gorgeous lady.. I’m “really there” with her and not just lost in some fantasy.

So.. keep your peckers in check.. if ya gotta fire on off.. go on.. leave the computer off.. it may take you 2-3 months to realize that this suggestion REALLY is a key to helping you be fully present ..when the moment arrives!

    Matt Cook

    yes staying away from porn is key. But really, staying away COMPLETELY, and away from fantasy, is critical. As best you can. Allowing just a little is really harmful for a lot of guys.

    It’s like this. A “normal” guy can eat dessert and not get cravings and not have problems. But if your metabolism is out of whack, and you have type 2 diabetes, you shouldn’t have ANY dessert.

    For guys with desensitization it has to be “constantly vigilant”. Nothing can be allowed to slip through as “okay” or “just what other guys do anyway so it’s okay for me.”

    warmly

    –Matt

Jon

Read every thing and I can same for me to to all the experiences.
What worked for me was No *orn and NO M for at least 3 months. Then relaxing and staying focused on her, her eyes and her body language as well as openly discussing my issues. She immediately knew me inside and after several dates my response was 1000% better to her and Mr Willie respond in kind. eating to know her and she me was the best …..

    Matt Cook

    Jon this is SUPER encouraging. This is so SIMPLE (but not easy). I may write about you and Clint there. It’s so important to highlight this

    warmly

    –Matt

Roy

Hey Matt,
I am 58 and am dating this girl now. I have been trying some of your suggestions about desensitization, trying to relax and not worry about willie not getting up when I want like when I was younger. It is hard to do but I think it is helping. I have explained to my girl what I am going through and she is very understanding and encourages me. I have also learned more techniques for bringing her with my hand and she loves it. I was able to give here 3 orgasms the other night and she said that had never happened to her before and she was so happy. She will come to my place any time I ask her because she looks forward to our time together.
Because of her being relaxed with me and so eager to have sex with me I have been able to feel more comfortable and actually have had a few really good times when I got hard for like 20 minuets or more and this was way better than I have done in a while.
Another girl that I dated about 2 months ago stripped down and hopped in bed with me and wanted me to do her but I could do nothing so I gave her a hand job and brought her 5 times. She was so amazed and had never had more than one orgasm in one night. Needless to say she was eager to come back for more even knowing I might now be able to get willie to work. This was a great boost for me and at least gave me some confidence that I could make a woman happy and now I just had to focus on it feeling good for me as well part of the time.
Thanks for your site,
Roy

Dale

I had this happen twice where I liked a girl and wanted to take things further and did. We’re making out we’re both getting turned on and grinding into each other and then.. One time I barely was in a girl for literally a few seconds only partially in barely pumped a couple times and had to pull out cause I was about to cum. Then the other time I was dry humping a girl while making out and we were both getting into it and I came in my pants!:(
Before all this I had a long term relationship where the sex was better I have in my history lasted around half an hour or more but now it’s so much worse! Want it to be good again it would mean the world and more to me.

Matt Cook

Hey Matt,
I’ve had this happen to me. It’s so embarrassing.

Donald

Hi, Matt

I have erections problems as well. I have been trying injections with limited success – I become firmer but still not fully erect (as I remember myself). What is your opinion on this field (injection medications). Thanks.

    Matt Cook

    It can feel helpful at the time, but I believe it is not. The fundamental problem is almost always desensitization. And the injections cover up the problem. The problem continues to worsen but the cover-up makes it not evident. Then one day, the injections don’t work because the desensitization is still worse than it was. So for this reason, I don’t believe they are a good idea.

    warmly

    –Matt

      Donald

      Thanks, Matt

      Your candor and forthright response is much appreciated :-)

Craig

Matt, this is the way it is with me. I’m 64 and have been married for 34 years. The last 6 or 8 years have been difficult for me. I have found my erections have gone from a few to none. I have had some prostrate issues but also a change in my perceptions of my wife. In the years that I have been struggling so has my wife. She has developed a weight issue gaining over 60 pounds in that same time frame. I am six feet tall and weigh about 180 pounds and my wife is just under five feet and weighs the same. All of my life I’ve had this thing about obese women and find it very difficult to get the want to perform and mentally shut down before willie is even uncaged. I remember the slender wife, the one I still love and get willie to remember that she is still in and get back to the happy fulfilling relationship we used to have. Matt, I not into porn or masterbation and hope you can help me overcome these hurdles. I believe I’m at the right place.

George B.

Matt, I’m 34 and have been seeing this girl for 3 months. Had successful sex maybe 12 times, and couldn’t get an erection or keep it maybe 10 times.

You hit it spot on here. The anxiety is so great. Always. I masturbate and feel anxiety, like what will this really be like when I see her?

I just hate failing so much.

What can I do to fix this? I’d do anything for it to go away.

Maxie

Okay, so what I do is, if the willie isn’t rising to the occasion, I listen to him. Maybe this girl isn’t the right one. Maybe it’s too much work. I don’t know. But I also know that my erections have significantly diminished in rigidity over the past few years and I’m here to fix it.

So not sure what to think. Matt, thank you so much.

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