So here’s the story of Phil who became desensitized from poor masturbation habits. Phil discovered his father’s porn collection when Phil was 12 years old. He discovered the joys of masturbation.
Masturbation used to get a bad rap. Going blind, growing fur on your hands, and so forth. Then the pendulum has swung the other way today.
You never used to hear ANY reference to masturbation in movies and TV. Now you hear it all the time. It’s mentioned, discussed sometimes. I don’t watch much TV, but I remember (perhaps you do too) the Seinfeld episodes where Jerry, Kramer, Elaine and George agree on “The Contest.” As Jerry says to Kramer:
“So, you’re still Master of your Domain?” “Yes, yes I am. Master of my domain. But I will tell you this: I’m going over to her apartment and I’m tellin’ her to put those shades down!”
In those pre-Internet porn days, seeing a woman in her underwear or naked would be enough to get a man hard. Not today…but let’s continue with our Phil story… Phil hit puberty and what is puberty? It’s nature saying, “you are ready to have sex and father children.” Girls hit puberty and develop a bit earlier than boys do.
Puberty in girls is saying, you are now ready to have sex and bear children.” I’ll call this girl in our discussion Jane. In the old days, like the last 2 million years, Jane would quickly be married off and become pregnant.
Phil and Jane would move into a cave together and that’s that. Now Jane would bear successive babies, some who would survive and some not. Point is, at this point, in the ancient days, Phil wouldn’t be masturbating much or at all. He’d find his sexual satisfaction with Jane.
That isn’t a problem really.
When masturbation means fantasy and jerking off, it seems to be reasonably okay so long as it doesn’t continue to be a boy’s and then a man’s primary sexual outlet.
The natural way of things is for a boy and then a man to masturbate a bit, then discover “real” girls, and then masturbate a whole lot less or not at all.
But this isn’t natural, what I’m discussing with you now.
It’s the modern technology world, not the natural world we are genetically programmed to live in.
So Phil didn’t use fantasy when he masturbated. He used porn. And because he wasn’t encouraged to meet girls and have partner sex, his brain wired really intensively to porn+masturbation, rather than partner sex.
When Phil finally did have a partner, Jane, sex wasn’t that great.
In fact, his penis didn’t get that hard.
And he had been used to a huge variety of extreme sexual acts. Jane wasn’t into those.
Just sticking it into Jane was almost a letdown at this point.
Because Phil had graduated from the magazines in his dad’s collection, to using a more powerful form of porn “tube sites”, high speed Internet video porn.
So Phil’s brain was REALLY desensitized to partner sex, and highly tuned to porn and masturbation. Phil’s brain was DESENSITIZED to partner sex.
Now, every time Phil does online, even when he’s not looking at porn, he’s exposed to a constant barrage of sexual triggers in the form of suggestive photos, suggestive headlines and ads.
When Phil watches TV or a movie, it’s nothing but sex sex sex here, there and everywhere.
Each time Phil watches TV or a movie, or goes on the web, his brain gets further doses of sex without it being actual partner sex. So it isn’t Phil’s fault.
At this point his brain is solidly wired more to porn and masturbation rather than partner sex.
Phil has to regain his natural sensitivity. His brain has to rewire to real partner sex. As a result, Phil requires a LOT of sexual stimulation when he’s with a partner.
In the natural order of things you do NOT require actual stimulation on your penis to get hard. You do NOT require her to go down on you. Or to stroke your penis.
She CAN do those things of course but if Phil had his natural sensitivity he would already be ultra hard with even the realistic possibility of partner sex.
A man who requires a lot of penis stimulation to get hard is very desensitized.
Once Phil recovers from desensitization, he gets semi erections when Jane kisses him. He gets ultra hard sometimes even when he watches Jane undress.
And when they lie together, it isn’t long before Phil gets literally turned on — it’s like a lightswitch going on and he is ready for sex. Phil gets hard naturally without Jane touching his penis.
And he stays hard for 30 minutes or an hour. Not ultra hard, but hard enough. His penis naturally cycles from very hard to semi hard back to very hard, throughout a 30 minute or hour sexual session with Jane.
He never goes soft while having sex.
What Phil did was simple solo activities that fixed things.
But it didn’t happen overnight.
And meanwhile he had to eliminate porn, cut back or eliminate masturbation, and do some things that increased his sensitivity rather than decreasing it.
Phil has now discovered something amazing.
He was spilling his seed all the time in the old days and he isn’t doing that anymore.
When he comes, it’s inside of Jane. Phil has discovered his newfound sexual prowess and ability spills over into attraction.
Jane is more into him than ever.
And random girls look two or three times at Phil, often signaling their sexual interest in him with not-to-subtle signs.
And Phil is more motivated in his career.
His colleagues and co-workers (both men and women) look at him with more respect now.
Phil even finds his workouts at the gym are a lot better than they have been in a long time. These are some of the many benefits from getting your desensitization fixed.
The three under reported causes of anxiety depression you probably haven’t heard enough about:
1. Being alone too much
2. Being connected online too much
3. Trying to fight the depression and anxiety with self-talk
This one is huge. When you are alone too much, you lose the most important thing to a human being. You lose the sense of connection.
Connection builds up Oxytocin. There is no way to be happy without high Oxytocin.
When you increase your Oxytocin, you feel happier. Anxiety leaks out like air from a balloon. And you have a sense of fulfillment in your life rather than a sense of not having enough.
This is a huge problem. Studies show that the more time you spend on Facebook, texting, Instagram, and so forth, the more anxiety you develop.
There is a strong link between spending time online and anxiety and depression.
The reasons are several.
First of all, let’s say you spend time on Facebook. Almost all the posts your “friends” make are like this one:
Cute, right?? But you don’t hear the arguments, the bickering, the bad stuff that are normally a part of every life. Facebook is all about people telling the world about their accomplishments so they feel better about themselves. I have nothing against Facebook but spending time on it makes most folks feel shitty about their own lives.
It’s life’s highlight reel, when you and I are seeing what goes on behind-the-scenes in OUR lives. We compare what we know about our lives, to the highlight reel on other people’s lives, and we feel like crap.
Also, the time spent online increases dopamine. It’s a click-click-click see-what’s-next activity that wires our brain to novelty instead of to fulfillment.
That click-click-click is VERY depressing and causes a lot of anxiety.
This is really what gets us down.
“Why am I feeling like this?”
“I shouldn’t feel this way.”
“Why am I always feeling shitty?”
The more we fight the anxiety or depression, the worse we get.
Resist and it persists.
What fixes this, is getting over any kind of ED issues, and that means connecting with a woman. Connection even without sex builds up Oxytocin.
Oxytocin is THE most powerful way to feel relaxed and happy and fulfilled. Then erections will follow.