Stop pleasing her in bed – and why she doesn't want sex as much as you do

This article is for you if your woman doesn’t seem to be into sex as much as you, or if Dr. Willie isn’t doing what you want him to.

It shows another way to have sex, a way that is free from pleasing her at all, and why you should pay close attention to this new way of thinking about sex, and try it for yourself.

couple on street kissing blonde girl

I’ll start with George.

George was telling me that he is fed up with trying to please her in bed.

It’s a huge burden on guys when they think they have to please their woman.

I told George this. 

And I said, “George, are you open to the idea that ends the need or desire to perform, and the need or desire to please her?”

But Matt, isn’t that selfish of me? And don’t guys love to please their women in bed?

Years ago, these guys in the East figured all this stuff out. And they figured that sex can be looked on as many things:

1. fun stuff

2. an exchange of male and female energies

3. a way to connect fully with her

And it is all those things…but 

What about sex that isn’t about porn star performance?

Somehow, though, there has been this insidious awful thing that has happened to men and women.

girl at beach black hair bathing suit

They’ve watched so much porn…that they’ve programmed their brains that they have to “perform” like porn stars.

When you get over this, you can actually please her even MORE. Because when you are trying to please her, you are putting the burden on HER to perform.

When a girl sees you trying to please her, what does she do?

“Half the time I just tell my guy that I’m fine, when I actually feel both embarrassed and frustrated. I experienced exactly the same difficulties when I was young and during my ten-year marriage, so it’s got nothing to do with my age. 

“I can tell it perplexes my boyfriend, who prides himself on being a considerate lover. I’m worried he’ll lose patience with me.”

And we wonder why girls don’t like sex as much as guys do?

Girls love sex. It is what they too live for. But a guy trying to perform puts pressure on the girl to respond. And the girl feels that pressure much more, because

Girls live to please their men, and if they aren’t pleased, they feel really bad

So it works like this:

1. Guy tries to please the girl in bed

2. She may not be entirely there, she may be there in bed physically but mentally she’s doing the laundry, worried about the older son’s being out late, or thinking about the dangers of being pregnant.

3. She sees the guy trying, and she feels really bad that she’s not responding.

4. He feels bad that his “performance” isn’t up to snuff, and he blames her for it. She’s frigid, she is shut down, she’s not into sex much, bla bla bla.

5. He doubts his own manhood and maybe his erections stop happening because the penis knows what’s going on and the penis isn’t happy when the owner isn’t trusting the penis.

brunette at beach tropical background

See, it all started with the girl and the boy discovering porn. And watching so much porn, and the porn-ified society we live in even if you aren’t watching porn…it affects expectations.

Guys think they need to perform. And that puts pressure on women and ruins it all.

How can a guy have sex without pressure to perform?

We’re all so used to the porn idea of sex … climbing up the hill, raising sexual tensions…and then at the top of the hill the blessed event of orgasm.

But what if that isn’t what sex is about at all?

What if you could have sex for an hour or more, with no pressure at all to perform?

What if pleasing her was the last thing on your mind when you were inside her?

I can hear you asking…

But isn’t it terribly selfish if you aren’t try to please her?

No, it’s not.

It’s giving and caring.

There is a difference between taking, taking, taking…and not working to please her.

girl head looking up blue sky

George described what it was like before he “got” this idea:

“We don’t have sex nearly as often as I want. And when we do, it’s routine. It’s always the same. I give her some oral, maybe she comes or maybe not. Then she’s wet and I enter her. And I usually come, frankly it only takes a few minutes and then it’s over.”

Nothing wrong with any of it. There are no rules around sex as long as both people agree, right?

True. So nothing wrong with trying to please her.

But the selfishness angle — if you aren’t just taking from her, and you aren’t trying to please her…then you are making her responsible for her own pleasure. You are no longer responsible.

Pretty interesting idea, no? And sometimes girls dig on a guy that just takes. Sometimes girls just want a guy to take charge, tell her what to do, and plow. Sometimes.

But other times, most times, you can have the best sex of your life by focusing on your own pleasure, without just being a taker.

What a huge relief this is, and your sex life turns around…and if you are having willie problems, guess what?

bottom half of girl in pool

 

Removing this pressure does something brilliant downstairs…erections begin coming and staying a lot longer and without all that effort or worry.

Listen to what one of my students said about this idea:

.

testimonial pic - Minnesota Seniro- small size

I’ve been following your advice for maybe a month now…

The member is working better then it ever has before.

My wife is up for intercourse ANYTIME and has taken to seducing me if we go more then a day without having intercourse.

This is very confusing but what the heck, it’s very wonderful too!

I think the concept you teach regarding focusing on your self was a game changer for us.

My wife is very generous and really knows how to give pleasure.

Now I just relax into it and let her know what a delightful lover she is and how much I enjoy our sexual relationship and how happy I am with our new love life and her.

She’s 55 and I’m 66.

We’ve been together for 29 years.

I can’t speak for her but my half of our love life is better than anything I’ve ever experienced before. So good that I feel guilty about feeling so happy!

(People from Minnesota are like that)

— Senior from Minnesota

.

It is a game changer for all of us.

By focusing on ourselves and our own pleasure, we can actually free both ourselves and our partner from the pressure to perform.

And that is where great sex and performance just happens.

Not the porn star performance, but sex that is much, much better.

If you think this is cool, here’s what you do. Click here to register for my web training on this.

And leave a comment or question that I’ll answer on the web training.

warmly

matt cook signature white background

 

Stop pleasing her in bed – and why she doesn’t want sex as much as you do

This article is for you if your woman doesn’t seem to be into sex as much as you, or if Dr. Willie isn’t doing what you want him to.

It shows another way to have sex, a way that is free from pleasing her at all, and why you should pay close attention to this new way of thinking about sex, and try it for yourself.

couple on street kissing blonde girl

I’ll start with George.

George was telling me that he is fed up with trying to please her in bed.

It’s a huge burden on guys when they think they have to please their woman.

I told George this. 

And I said, “George, are you open to the idea that ends the need or desire to perform, and the need or desire to please her?”

But Matt, isn’t that selfish of me? And don’t guys love to please their women in bed?

Years ago, these guys in the East figured all this stuff out. And they figured that sex can be looked on as many things:

1. fun stuff

2. an exchange of male and female energies

3. a way to connect fully with her

And it is all those things…but 

What about sex that isn’t about porn star performance?

Somehow, though, there has been this insidious awful thing that has happened to men and women.

girl at beach black hair bathing suit

They’ve watched so much porn…that they’ve programmed their brains that they have to “perform” like porn stars.

When you get over this, you can actually please her even MORE. Because when you are trying to please her, you are putting the burden on HER to perform.

When a girl sees you trying to please her, what does she do?

“Half the time I just tell my guy that I’m fine, when I actually feel both embarrassed and frustrated. I experienced exactly the same difficulties when I was young and during my ten-year marriage, so it’s got nothing to do with my age. 

“I can tell it perplexes my boyfriend, who prides himself on being a considerate lover. I’m worried he’ll lose patience with me.”

And we wonder why girls don’t like sex as much as guys do?

Girls love sex. It is what they too live for. But a guy trying to perform puts pressure on the girl to respond. And the girl feels that pressure much more, because

Girls live to please their men, and if they aren’t pleased, they feel really bad

So it works like this:

1. Guy tries to please the girl in bed

2. She may not be entirely there, she may be there in bed physically but mentally she’s doing the laundry, worried about the older son’s being out late, or thinking about the dangers of being pregnant.

3. She sees the guy trying, and she feels really bad that she’s not responding.

4. He feels bad that his “performance” isn’t up to snuff, and he blames her for it. She’s frigid, she is shut down, she’s not into sex much, bla bla bla.

5. He doubts his own manhood and maybe his erections stop happening because the penis knows what’s going on and the penis isn’t happy when the owner isn’t trusting the penis.

brunette at beach tropical background

See, it all started with the girl and the boy discovering porn. And watching so much porn, and the porn-ified society we live in even if you aren’t watching porn…it affects expectations.

Guys think they need to perform. And that puts pressure on women and ruins it all.

How can a guy have sex without pressure to perform?

We’re all so used to the porn idea of sex … climbing up the hill, raising sexual tensions…and then at the top of the hill the blessed event of orgasm.

But what if that isn’t what sex is about at all?

What if you could have sex for an hour or more, with no pressure at all to perform?

What if pleasing her was the last thing on your mind when you were inside her?

I can hear you asking…

But isn’t it terribly selfish if you aren’t try to please her?

No, it’s not.

It’s giving and caring.

There is a difference between taking, taking, taking…and not working to please her.

girl head looking up blue sky

George described what it was like before he “got” this idea:

“We don’t have sex nearly as often as I want. And when we do, it’s routine. It’s always the same. I give her some oral, maybe she comes or maybe not. Then she’s wet and I enter her. And I usually come, frankly it only takes a few minutes and then it’s over.”

Nothing wrong with any of it. There are no rules around sex as long as both people agree, right?

True. So nothing wrong with trying to please her.

But the selfishness angle — if you aren’t just taking from her, and you aren’t trying to please her…then you are making her responsible for her own pleasure. You are no longer responsible.

Pretty interesting idea, no? And sometimes girls dig on a guy that just takes. Sometimes girls just want a guy to take charge, tell her what to do, and plow. Sometimes.

But other times, most times, you can have the best sex of your life by focusing on your own pleasure, without just being a taker.

What a huge relief this is, and your sex life turns around…and if you are having willie problems, guess what?

bottom half of girl in pool

 

Removing this pressure does something brilliant downstairs…erections begin coming and staying a lot longer and without all that effort or worry.

Listen to what one of my students said about this idea:

.

testimonial pic - Minnesota Seniro- small size

I’ve been following your advice for maybe a month now…

The member is working better then it ever has before.

My wife is up for intercourse ANYTIME and has taken to seducing me if we go more then a day without having intercourse.

This is very confusing but what the heck, it’s very wonderful too!

I think the concept you teach regarding focusing on your self was a game changer for us.

My wife is very generous and really knows how to give pleasure.

Now I just relax into it and let her know what a delightful lover she is and how much I enjoy our sexual relationship and how happy I am with our new love life and her.

She’s 55 and I’m 66.

We’ve been together for 29 years.

I can’t speak for her but my half of our love life is better than anything I’ve ever experienced before. So good that I feel guilty about feeling so happy!

(People from Minnesota are like that)

— Senior from Minnesota

.

It is a game changer for all of us.

By focusing on ourselves and our own pleasure, we can actually free both ourselves and our partner from the pressure to perform.

And that is where great sex and performance just happens.

Not the porn star performance, but sex that is much, much better.

If you think this is cool, here’s what you do. Click here to register for my web training on this.

And leave a comment or question that I’ll answer on the web training.

warmly

matt cook signature white background

 

Turn Eternal Crappiness Into Eternal Happiness

Terri and Saul, Terri and Saul, how wonderful are you all.

How they met kind of by accident

How Terri looked at Saul and saw this total man of her dreams

How Saul looked at Terri and instantly knew, “I want her”

man and woman silhouette sunset kissing

How they fucked like rabbits

How mad they were for each other

The time Terri did ____

The other time Saul did ____

How the kids came

How Terri got into her career

man and woman naked at ocean kissing

How Saul got into his golfing buddies, fishing and the bars after work

How they realized it had been a month since they had sex

How they vowed to try things again as if it was the old days

How they had some frank and honest talks

How that felt good

How that didn’t work for very long

How time went by

girl and guy kissing in window

How Terri gained weight and looked kind of sallow and needed more makeup and had bad periods and then no periods at all

How Saul was losing his hair and not feeling like a man much anymore and didn’t like the pot belly when he looked in the mirror, the pot belly his father had had and that he swore he’d never have

How they realized it was several months since they had sex but they were okay with that (actually Terri realized, Saul had been keeping absolutely careful track of each day)

How Saul one day looked at Terri in the morning in bed next to him and realized he just didn’t find her attractive at all anymore

How Terri basked in the attention of this new guy at work who was selling them something, lunches with him and then other stuff

How Saul and Terri talked honestly one morning, and then again, and then again…endless talks…

How Saul’s willie didn’t work half the time with Terri

How Saul felt hardly anything anyway

man and woman kissing in bed

How Saul was going to try to test his manhood again with a girl he met after work

But how Saul didn’t because he was scared of failure

And how Saul came to me and asked me if there was any hope

And what I told Saul

And how he agreed to try it

And how they both tried it for 3 weeks

And how Saul changed…to surprisingly devastatingly totally in love with Terri again

How they started making love two or three times a day

How they realized they could live this way forever and wanted to until the day they died

How Terri’s girlfriends started to remark on her losing weight, glowing, being happy, looking years younger

three girls biking

How Saul found that he was growing some of his lost hair back and his belly was no longer so fat

How Saul felt like a total stud now, able to nail any girl, but only wanting to nail Terri

How Saul felt so blessed in abundance having the best sex of his life for 30 minutes or longer every day, sometimes twice a day, with Terri, the only woman he ever wanted

How Saul began attracting abundance in his life on other levels — 

How women fell all over Saul whereever he went even though he had eyes only for Terri

How Terri became more and more beautiful

How Saul realized he was the luckiest man alive and woke up grateful every day and had sex with Terri once, twice sometimes even three times most days…and the best sex either of them had ever had, by a country mile…

Now, 1. Leave a comment or question, and

2. Click here to register for the upcoming web training.

warmly

matt cook signature white background

 

 

Fucking versus making love

Fuck.

A lot of guys think fucking is making love.

I am using the word “fuck” here in it’s real meaning. I am so glad we have this wonderful language so we can use it to the max. Forgive me if it seems crude or offensive but there is a reason…trust the Cookster!

The fucking program — men on it are responding to ancient reptile brain programs that are designed to get us off inside of a woman so we can get our semen up into her vagina as far back as possible.

By the way, I’m putting this picture here and before you complain that the Cookster is compromising his values (avoid triggers), this is a famous painting that hangs in the Louvre museum. It was *quite* controversial but spells it out beautifully, don’t you agree?

courbet painting vagina

So back to the subject at hand.

Most guys don’t know this — but the truth is that semen lives for up to five days inside there, and if other men fuck the girl, the first guy’s semen fights it out with the second or third or fourth guy’s semen, and the winner migrates up and fertilizes her egg.

Sounds romantic, doesn’t it? It’s true — Nature’s Program is for us guys to always be fighting it out — with each other, with other guys’ sperm, just always fighting.

But is that the recipe for being happy? 

Is it really this constant fighting?

And when we have sex, is it fucking, lovemaking or …?

So we approach lovemaking as fucking. We all know the difference between fucking and making love. Beyond everything else,

Fucking is what we do to her rather than with her

Fucking has its place. It can be fun to feel like a total man and just take her with a stiff hard cock and give it to her good. Very fun.

But there is something about it that separates us and makes us feel more lonely.

women dressed as vaginas

courtesy of flickr.com/photos/uberdork/

And so…the result is that afterwards, for a period of up to two weeks, our perceptions change. This is such a key point that most of us are never aware of.

In fact,

Fucking causes deep dissatisfaction with our partner…and this can last two weeks

It’s hormonal, all driven by Nature’s Program.

We see her faults. She sees ours. We don’t feel the same sense of love. She doesn’t either.

Sometimes it seems that it may take two or three ejaculations/orgasms but after this fucking, if you pay close attention, you notice the perceptions shift.

And you begin looking more at other women. And she begins picking arguments. Right out of left field, she’ll say something bitchy and stupid. Where did that come from?

Women can turn witchy, bitchy and downright evil at worst. Or at best, just some overall moodiness and “I need some space”.

Now, contrast this with lovemaking. If you make love using Nature’s Programs, you can be looking into her eyes while your penis is deep inside her, and you and she can be feeling this strong love and connection that is like another world.

asian woman in fishnet stockings

I call it Nirvana Sex. I think I got that phrase from one of the guys here (thank you!) and it really fits.

And this can last not for 3 or 5 or 10 minutes, but for 30 minutes, 60 minutes or more, and not once but several times a day.

And you can have this even if you’ve been together 37 years, or even if you and she were “bored” with each other.

It’s all a matter of using Nature’s Programs and you get to pick which one you want to use. You can consciously select which one, but you can’t have any control over the programs themselves.

If you pick the fuck program you let it take you over and you revel in it. The fuck program leads to dissatisfaction and unhappiness and the answer seems to be more fucking…and that leads to still more…no wonder we’ve been unhappy. We have a crap sex life because of Nature’s Programs.

Fortunately we can pick another program — this one for Nirvana Love

If you pick the make love program, you feel it like a wave over your whole body and you revel in it. I can’t really use words to describe. It is really heaven, really really. It is all I ever want to do, and it goes on and on and on and just is so pleasurable that it makes normal orgasms seem kind of trivial.

You have to experience it to understand it. And that can take a bit of time and isn’t always easy if you are deep into the fucking program.

But Cookster, I thought that all partner sex makes you feel closer and bonds you together…is that not so? 

It is not so.

The fucking program does not bond us. It may feel like it for a bit, but it actually has the opposite effect. It makes us feel closer for a short while then it makes us want to go out on the town and see what other pussy is out there.

And I’m not saying there is anything “wrong” with this.

pretty girl face with glasses

But I am saying, that you want to decide which program to subject yourself to. That’s what it is — they each take over and run you. Your only real decision is gross behavioral ones that will lead you to one or the other program. 

Fucking has its advantages

It is a lot of fun compared to wanking off to porn.

Also, it does put you on Cloud 9 afterwards, you kind of have that manly feeling as you walk around and interact with other people. It’s great for a while. Maybe a day or two.

And it is fun to nail the girl. No question. Sometimes I enjoy nailing my wife this way. She likes it too of course. Sometimes.

But there are a lot of disadvantages.

First off…

Fucking causes desensitization

It causes more desensitization, without a doubt. So it leads you away from fixing desensitization.

It also makes her less sensitive. Women have this problem too, although of course they don’t show it as much as guys do. Women who need it rough, who use vibrators, who get bored with their men, who show low or no sexual interest…are often desensitized as well.

pretty girl in purple bathing suit

(There an be other reasons why women are shut down to sex, more complex ones than men, because Nature’s Programs for women require the woman to be much more focused on relationships than men have to be, and with this focus comes more complex reasons for shutdown.)

But back to the disadvantages 

Fucking causes unhappiness and constant seeking out new experiences that become old real quick

Now you see why the advice from all the bullshit sexologists is such crap.

Do something new. New girl, new positions, new sex toys, new fantasies.

And if you are down this road already (the Dopamine Track as you will recognize from my prior writing) you know this is a recipe for total loneliness and constant dissatisfaction

While, the Nirvana Sex, the Oxytocin Track, is the recipe for being whole, complete, feeling nothing but the most amazing pleasure for 30 or 60 or 90 minutes, once or more per day, with the one you love more than anything else in the world.

Makes sense? Opens up your mind a bit to the possibilities, I hope? Yes?

So I’m thinking of doing a web training on Nirvana Sex

Yes, this is a subject so dear to my heart and to my life that I think you need to discover more about this so you can have it in your life.

So I’m thinking of doing a new web training on how to have this Nirvana Sex, sex you can experience that blows away your whole idea of what sex can be. It is sex as we all thought it was supposed to be. 

Let me know if you have a question on it by posting here, or tell us your story.

Leave your story, or a comment or question that I can answer on the web training that’s coming up. It helps all of us to hear your thoughts. Help out the Brotherhood here — leave a comment, question or your story.

warmly

 matt cook signature white background

 

 

Each erection is different and sometimes they are strong and sometimes not

Matt here. I’ve helped 12,000 guys get great satisfaction from sex and the one thing that everyone wants to know going into this is, will this work for me?

And the answer is, yes it will. And you have to realize something nobody ever reveals or teaches.

for realIf you watch the porn, every guy has a 9 inch wiener that stands straight and tall whenever he wants it to.

Real life doesn’t work that way. Real life works much BETTER than in the porn movies.

It may sound weird, but now that I’ve fully recovered, I’m thrilled that my penis doesn’t work the way the porn movies show.

In reality,

Sometimes my penis isn’t going to get as hard as it does other times.

I don’t know why this is but it is true. And I’ll tell you in a moment why I am thrilled about this!

It was always this way to some degree. But now that I’m older and I have sensitivity I probably never had since being a young teen, I really notice it more.

I can’t believe I missed it. Maybe you’re missing this too. It’s the fact that at least as we perceive them

Erections change, and women change

 

off the chartsI notice that my perceptions of my woman change day to day, hour to hour. I always love her, but sometimes I crave her more madly than other times.

And the pleasure from sex is off the charts, but it’s 100,000% better than anything else or maybe only 99,999% percent – lol.

But it wasn’t this way before.

I was always struggling, always pushing

I’d try to get hard, I’d try so hard to be hard. I’d wish and want and push and push.

It took a long time before I realized, it’s also about listening and seeing and perceiving.

You can push and try, or you can just feel, and notice.

Erections don’t always happen when I want them to. They are not always as hard as I want them to be. 

The more I’m okay with that, the less I suffer.

 beautiful girl

Some days are rock hard for awhile. Others not so rock hard.

Erections always get more flexible for the duration. As this is where you feel more, with a snake-like penis rather than a towel hanger. Rock hard penises don’t feel as much as the snake-like erect penises do.

And it’s not just erections that are better some days than other days.

Feelings are higher some days than other days.

Sometimes I feel extremely passionate and intense, and other times not so much.

I’m pretty sure that it’s sort of like a pendulum swinging back and forth between a lot of passion and less passion. It is hormones going back and forth between not exactly extremes, but further points. In the middle is balance.

Sometimes if I’ve gotten too close to the edge for too many times, somehow in a few days, the pendulum swings back to the lower passion side.

It always swings back and even at the low side, my love for my woman and my feelings are thousands of times what they were before. 

And I’ve learned to appreciate these times too where it isn’t about the mad passion and I notice this.

And today I’m 

Always in the mood — more or less

As a result, I have sex a lot more often and for a lot longer than any time in my former life.

And sometimes my penis is more up the occasion than at other times.

Sometimes my woman is more ready and interested than other times.

smokin hot beach girl

I don’t wait until we’re in the mood. We have sex quite a lot and for a long time even if we’re not quite in the mood. Sex this way is about love and connection and an exchange of energies. 

Even when my erection isn’t as strong, it always works. I no longer stress out about this at all and strive to just notice and see what’s going on and be happy with whatever. Because

it’s more fun to surrender to what is, rather than try for something that isn’t

It’s fun to give up the struggle.

In fact, I think it’s perhaps a better thing not to have the strong passion each and every time. And for erections to be different each time.

It’s the rhythm of life and it’s wonderful.

I learned from a lot of Tao and Tantra tradition men and some in the more modern American tradition of a lot of sex, for a long time and very frequently.

And many of these practitioners emphasize not having a lot of passion as an ideal.

It’s that you are connecting without passion and just spend time together that way. And that the energy flows better between you without a huge turn-on.

So

If you aren’t feeling it today, or experiencing it today, maybe that’s better!

I’ll put that out there.

But this isn’t what I do and it isn’t really my experience. Maybe I’m not sufficiently enlightened but at least, it shows the variation that can exist in great sex and love-making.

In my world, the ideal is to get together with love for your partner and you notice your penis gets hard (sometimes after you insert soft) and you dwell in your partner’s smell and body and feel your love for her and it just goes on and on and time has no meaning and it could be an hour or two hours.

peru girl at beach

Sometimes it works exactly that way.

Sometimes it is about passion.

Sometimes it’s about feeling like a man and just loving to fuck.

It’s always different. Every erection is different, every time is different. What isn’t different is,

It’s never boring, and it’s always the best thing in the world.

It didn’t used to be that way.

Before…it got dull, I got interested in other women, there was always the search for the new position, the new place, the new thing.

The new woman.

That is all in the past and it’s always the most amazing, wonderful and pleasurable thing possible.

When you have this, you own the world. Nothing else is all that important and nothing really bad can happen. Your brain is in balance, your life is good and even adversity is just on the outside. Inside you are rich.

And best of all

It all works automatically…

My method works automatically.

It would have to. Because the desensitization happened automatically. And my method works that way too. 

And the problem goes away. And the penis starts having these great erections. And you begin feeling sensitivity you may have never felt in your adult life.

It isn’t something that requires pushing, or trying. That never works anyway. Have you noticed, LOL?

And if you want to know where to start, then register for this free web training that is the basis for everything I will reveal to you.

warmly

matt cook signature white background