Stop pleasing her in bed – and why she doesn’t want sex as much as you do
This article is for you if your woman doesn’t seem to be into sex as much as you, or if Dr. Willie isn’t doing what you want him to.
It shows another way to have sex, a way that is free from pleasing her at all, and why you should pay close attention to this new way of thinking about sex, and try it for yourself.
I’ll start with George.
George was telling me that he is fed up with trying to please her in bed.
It’s a huge burden on guys when they think they have to please their woman.
I told George this.
And I said, “George, are you open to the idea that ends the need or desire to perform, and the need or desire to please her?”
But Matt, isn’t that selfish of me? And don’t guys love to please their women in bed?
Years ago, these guys in the East figured all this stuff out. And they figured that sex can be looked on as many things:
1. fun stuff
2. an exchange of male and female energies
3. a way to connect fully with her
And it is all those things…but
What about sex that isn’t about porn star performance?
Somehow, though, there has been this insidious awful thing that has happened to men and women.
They’ve watched so much porn…that they’ve programmed their brains that they have to “perform” like porn stars.
When you get over this, you can actually please her even MORE. Because when you are trying to please her, you are putting the burden on HER to perform.
When a girl sees you trying to please her, what does she do?
“Half the time I just tell my guy that I’m fine, when I actually feel both embarrassed and frustrated. I experienced exactly the same difficulties when I was young and during my ten-year marriage, so it’s got nothing to do with my age.
“I can tell it perplexes my boyfriend, who prides himself on being a considerate lover. I’m worried he’ll lose patience with me.”
And we wonder why girls don’t like sex as much as guys do?
Girls love sex. It is what they too live for. But a guy trying to perform puts pressure on the girl to respond. And the girl feels that pressure much more, because
Girls live to please their men, and if they aren’t pleased, they feel really bad
So it works like this:
1. Guy tries to please the girl in bed
2. She may not be entirely there, she may be there in bed physically but mentally she’s doing the laundry, worried about the older son’s being out late, or thinking about the dangers of being pregnant.
3. She sees the guy trying, and she feels really bad that she’s not responding.
4. He feels bad that his “performance” isn’t up to snuff, and he blames her for it. She’s frigid, she is shut down, she’s not into sex much, bla bla bla.
5. He doubts his own manhood and maybe his erections stop happening because the penis knows what’s going on and the penis isn’t happy when the owner isn’t trusting the penis.
See, it all started with the girl and the boy discovering porn. And watching so much porn, and the porn-ified society we live in even if you aren’t watching porn…it affects expectations.
Guys think they need to perform. And that puts pressure on women and ruins it all.
How can a guy have sex without pressure to perform?
We’re all so used to the porn idea of sex … climbing up the hill, raising sexual tensions…and then at the top of the hill the blessed event of orgasm.
But what if that isn’t what sex is about at all?
What if you could have sex for an hour or more, with no pressure at all to perform?
What if pleasing her was the last thing on your mind when you were inside her?
I can hear you asking…
But isn’t it terribly selfish if you aren’t try to please her?
No, it’s not.
It’s giving and caring.
There is a difference between taking, taking, taking…and not working to please her.
George described what it was like before he “got” this idea:
“We don’t have sex nearly as often as I want. And when we do, it’s routine. It’s always the same. I give her some oral, maybe she comes or maybe not. Then she’s wet and I enter her. And I usually come, frankly it only takes a few minutes and then it’s over.”
Nothing wrong with any of it. There are no rules around sex as long as both people agree, right?
True. So nothing wrong with trying to please her.
But the selfishness angle — if you aren’t just taking from her, and you aren’t trying to please her…then you are making her responsible for her own pleasure. You are no longer responsible.
Pretty interesting idea, no? And sometimes girls dig on a guy that just takes. Sometimes girls just want a guy to take charge, tell her what to do, and plow. Sometimes.
But other times, most times, you can have the best sex of your life by focusing on your own pleasure, without just being a taker.
What a huge relief this is, and your sex life turns around…and if you are having willie problems, guess what?
Removing this pressure does something brilliant downstairs…erections begin coming and staying a lot longer and without all that effort or worry.
Listen to what one of my students said about this idea:
|
I’ve been following your advice for maybe a month now… The member is working better then it ever has before. My wife is up for intercourse ANYTIME and has taken to seducing me if we go more then a day without having intercourse. This is very confusing but what the heck, it’s very wonderful too! I think the concept you teach regarding focusing on your self was a game changer for us. My wife is very generous and really knows how to give pleasure. Now I just relax into it and let her know what a delightful lover she is and how much I enjoy our sexual relationship and how happy I am with our new love life and her. She’s 55 and I’m 66. We’ve been together for 29 years. I can’t speak for her but my half of our love life is better than anything I’ve ever experienced before. So good that I feel guilty about feeling so happy! (People from Minnesota are like that) — Senior from Minnesota |
It is a game changer for all of us.
By focusing on ourselves and our own pleasure, we can actually free both ourselves and our partner from the pressure to perform.
And that is where great sex and performance just happens.
Not the porn star performance, but sex that is much, much better.
If you think this is cool, here’s what you do. Click here to register for my web training on this.
And leave a comment or question that I’ll answer on the web training.
warmly
Stop pleasing her in bed – and why she doesn't want sex as much as you do
This article is for you if your woman doesn’t seem to be into sex as much as you, or if Dr. Willie isn’t doing what you want him to.
It shows another way to have sex, a way that is free from pleasing her at all, and why you should pay close attention to this new way of thinking about sex, and try it for yourself.
I’ll start with George.
George was telling me that he is fed up with trying to please her in bed.
It’s a huge burden on guys when they think they have to please their woman.
I told George this.
And I said, “George, are you open to the idea that ends the need or desire to perform, and the need or desire to please her?”
But Matt, isn’t that selfish of me? And don’t guys love to please their women in bed?
Years ago, these guys in the East figured all this stuff out. And they figured that sex can be looked on as many things:
1. fun stuff
2. an exchange of male and female energies
3. a way to connect fully with her
And it is all those things…but
What about sex that isn’t about porn star performance?
Somehow, though, there has been this insidious awful thing that has happened to men and women.
They’ve watched so much porn…that they’ve programmed their brains that they have to “perform” like porn stars.
When you get over this, you can actually please her even MORE. Because when you are trying to please her, you are putting the burden on HER to perform.
When a girl sees you trying to please her, what does she do?
“Half the time I just tell my guy that I’m fine, when I actually feel both embarrassed and frustrated. I experienced exactly the same difficulties when I was young and during my ten-year marriage, so it’s got nothing to do with my age.
“I can tell it perplexes my boyfriend, who prides himself on being a considerate lover. I’m worried he’ll lose patience with me.”
And we wonder why girls don’t like sex as much as guys do?
Girls love sex. It is what they too live for. But a guy trying to perform puts pressure on the girl to respond. And the girl feels that pressure much more, because
Girls live to please their men, and if they aren’t pleased, they feel really bad
So it works like this:
1. Guy tries to please the girl in bed
2. She may not be entirely there, she may be there in bed physically but mentally she’s doing the laundry, worried about the older son’s being out late, or thinking about the dangers of being pregnant.
3. She sees the guy trying, and she feels really bad that she’s not responding.
4. He feels bad that his “performance” isn’t up to snuff, and he blames her for it. She’s frigid, she is shut down, she’s not into sex much, bla bla bla.
5. He doubts his own manhood and maybe his erections stop happening because the penis knows what’s going on and the penis isn’t happy when the owner isn’t trusting the penis.
See, it all started with the girl and the boy discovering porn. And watching so much porn, and the porn-ified society we live in even if you aren’t watching porn…it affects expectations.
Guys think they need to perform. And that puts pressure on women and ruins it all.
How can a guy have sex without pressure to perform?
We’re all so used to the porn idea of sex … climbing up the hill, raising sexual tensions…and then at the top of the hill the blessed event of orgasm.
But what if that isn’t what sex is about at all?
What if you could have sex for an hour or more, with no pressure at all to perform?
What if pleasing her was the last thing on your mind when you were inside her?
I can hear you asking…
But isn’t it terribly selfish if you aren’t try to please her?
No, it’s not.
It’s giving and caring.
There is a difference between taking, taking, taking…and not working to please her.
George described what it was like before he “got” this idea:
“We don’t have sex nearly as often as I want. And when we do, it’s routine. It’s always the same. I give her some oral, maybe she comes or maybe not. Then she’s wet and I enter her. And I usually come, frankly it only takes a few minutes and then it’s over.”
Nothing wrong with any of it. There are no rules around sex as long as both people agree, right?
True. So nothing wrong with trying to please her.
But the selfishness angle — if you aren’t just taking from her, and you aren’t trying to please her…then you are making her responsible for her own pleasure. You are no longer responsible.
Pretty interesting idea, no? And sometimes girls dig on a guy that just takes. Sometimes girls just want a guy to take charge, tell her what to do, and plow. Sometimes.
But other times, most times, you can have the best sex of your life by focusing on your own pleasure, without just being a taker.
What a huge relief this is, and your sex life turns around…and if you are having willie problems, guess what?
Removing this pressure does something brilliant downstairs…erections begin coming and staying a lot longer and without all that effort or worry.
Listen to what one of my students said about this idea:
|
I’ve been following your advice for maybe a month now… The member is working better then it ever has before. My wife is up for intercourse ANYTIME and has taken to seducing me if we go more then a day without having intercourse. This is very confusing but what the heck, it’s very wonderful too! I think the concept you teach regarding focusing on your self was a game changer for us. My wife is very generous and really knows how to give pleasure. Now I just relax into it and let her know what a delightful lover she is and how much I enjoy our sexual relationship and how happy I am with our new love life and her. She’s 55 and I’m 66. We’ve been together for 29 years. I can’t speak for her but my half of our love life is better than anything I’ve ever experienced before. So good that I feel guilty about feeling so happy! (People from Minnesota are like that) — Senior from Minnesota |
It is a game changer for all of us.
By focusing on ourselves and our own pleasure, we can actually free both ourselves and our partner from the pressure to perform.
And that is where great sex and performance just happens.
Not the porn star performance, but sex that is much, much better.
If you think this is cool, here’s what you do. Click here to register for my web training on this.
And leave a comment or question that I’ll answer on the web training.
warmly
Turn Eternal Crappiness Into Eternal Happiness
Terri and Saul, Terri and Saul, how wonderful are you all.
How they met kind of by accident
How Terri looked at Saul and saw this total man of her dreams
How Saul looked at Terri and instantly knew, “I want her”
How they fucked like rabbits
How mad they were for each other
The time Terri did ____
The other time Saul did ____
How the kids came
How Terri got into her career
How Saul got into his golfing buddies, fishing and the bars after work
How they realized it had been a month since they had sex
How they vowed to try things again as if it was the old days
How they had some frank and honest talks
How that felt good
How that didn’t work for very long
How time went by
How Terri gained weight and looked kind of sallow and needed more makeup and had bad periods and then no periods at all
How Saul was losing his hair and not feeling like a man much anymore and didn’t like the pot belly when he looked in the mirror, the pot belly his father had had and that he swore he’d never have
How they realized it was several months since they had sex but they were okay with that (actually Terri realized, Saul had been keeping absolutely careful track of each day)
How Saul one day looked at Terri in the morning in bed next to him and realized he just didn’t find her attractive at all anymore
How Terri basked in the attention of this new guy at work who was selling them something, lunches with him and then other stuff
How Saul and Terri talked honestly one morning, and then again, and then again…endless talks…
How Saul’s willie didn’t work half the time with Terri
How Saul felt hardly anything anyway
How Saul was going to try to test his manhood again with a girl he met after work
But how Saul didn’t because he was scared of failure
And how Saul came to me and asked me if there was any hope
And what I told Saul
And how he agreed to try it
And how they both tried it for 3 weeks
And how Saul changed…to surprisingly devastatingly totally in love with Terri again
How they started making love two or three times a day
How they realized they could live this way forever and wanted to until the day they died
How Terri’s girlfriends started to remark on her losing weight, glowing, being happy, looking years younger
How Saul found that he was growing some of his lost hair back and his belly was no longer so fat
How Saul felt like a total stud now, able to nail any girl, but only wanting to nail Terri
How Saul felt so blessed in abundance having the best sex of his life for 30 minutes or longer every day, sometimes twice a day, with Terri, the only woman he ever wanted
How Saul began attracting abundance in his life on other levels —
How women fell all over Saul whereever he went even though he had eyes only for Terri
How Terri became more and more beautiful
How Saul realized he was the luckiest man alive and woke up grateful every day and had sex with Terri once, twice sometimes even three times most days…and the best sex either of them had ever had, by a country mile…
Now, 1. Leave a comment or question, and
2. Click here to register for the upcoming web training.
warmly
Each erection is different and sometimes they are strong and sometimes not
Matt here. I’ve helped 12,000 guys get great satisfaction from sex and the one thing that everyone wants to know going into this is, will this work for me?
And the answer is, yes it will. And you have to realize something nobody ever reveals or teaches.
If you watch the porn, every guy has a 9 inch wiener that stands straight and tall whenever he wants it to.
Real life doesn’t work that way. Real life works much BETTER than in the porn movies.
It may sound weird, but now that I’ve fully recovered, I’m thrilled that my penis doesn’t work the way the porn movies show.
In reality,
Sometimes my penis isn’t going to get as hard as it does other times..
I don’t know why this is but it is true. And I’ll tell you in a moment why I am thrilled about this!
It was always this way to some degree. But now that I’m older and I have sensitivity I probably never had since being a young teen, I really notice it more.
I can’t believe I missed it. Maybe you’re missing this too. It’s the fact that at least as we perceive them
Erections change, and women change
I notice that my perceptions of my woman change day to day, hour to hour. I always love her, but sometimes I crave her more madly than other times.
And the pleasure from sex is off the charts, but it’s 100,000% better than anything else or maybe only 99,999% percent – lol.
But it wasn’t this way before.
I was always struggling, always pushing
I’d try to get hard, I’d try so hard to be hard. I’d wish and want and push and push.
It took a long time before I realized, it’s also about listening and seeing and perceiving.
You can push and try, or you can just feel, and notice.
Erections don’t always happen when I want them to. They are not always as hard as I want them to be.
The more I’m okay with that, the less I suffer.
Some days are rock hard for awhile. Others not so rock hard.
Erections always get more flexible for the duration. As this is where you feel more, with a snake-like penis rather than a towel hanger. Rock hard penises don’t feel as much as the snake-like erect penises do.
And it’s not just erections that are better some days than other days.
Feelings are higher some days than other days.
Sometimes I feel extremely passionate and intense, and other times not so much.
I’m pretty sure that it’s sort of like a pendulum swinging back and forth between a lot of passion and less passion. It is hormones going back and forth between not exactly extremes, but further points. In the middle is balance.
Sometimes if I’ve gotten too close to the edge for too many times, somehow in a few days, the pendulum swings back to the lower passion side.
It always swings back and even at the low side, my love for my woman and my feelings are thousands of times what they were before.
And I’ve learned to appreciate these times too where it isn’t about the mad passion and I notice this.
And today I’m
Always in the mood — more or less
As a result, I have sex a lot more often and for a lot longer than any time in my former life.
And sometimes my penis is more up the occasion than at other times.
Sometimes my woman is more ready and interested than other times.
I don’t wait until we’re in the mood. We have sex quite a lot and for a long time even if we’re not quite in the mood. Sex this way is about love and connection and an exchange of energies.
Even when my erection isn’t as strong, it always works. I no longer stress out about this at all and strive to just notice and see what’s going on and be happy with whatever. Because
it’s more fun to surrender to what is, rather than try for something that isn’t
It’s fun to give up the struggle.
In fact, I think it’s perhaps a better thing not to have the strong passion each and every time. And for erections to be different each time.
It’s the rhythm of life and it’s wonderful.
I learned from a lot of Tao and Tantra tradition men and some in the more modern American tradition of a lot of sex, for a long time and very frequently.
And many of these practitioners emphasize not having a lot of passion as an ideal.
It’s that you are connecting without passion and just spend time together that way. And that the energy flows better between you without a huge turn-on.
So
If you aren’t feeling it today, or experiencing it today, maybe that’s better!
I’ll put that out there.
But this isn’t what I do and it isn’t really my experience. Maybe I’m not sufficiently enlightened but at least, it shows the variation that can exist in great sex and love-making.
In my world, the ideal is to get together with love for your partner and you notice your penis gets hard (sometimes after you insert soft) and you dwell in your partner’s smell and body and feel your love for her and it just goes on and on and time has no meaning and it could be an hour or two hours.
Sometimes it works exactly that way.
Sometimes it is about passion.
Sometimes it’s about feeling like a man and just loving to fuck.
It’s always different. Every erection is different, every time is different. What isn’t different is,
It’s never boring, and it’s always the best thing in the world.
It didn’t used to be that way.
Before…it got dull, I got interested in other women, there was always the search for the new position, the new place, the new thing.
The new woman.
That is all in the past and it’s always the most amazing, wonderful and pleasurable thing possible.
When you have this, you own the world. Nothing else is all that important and nothing really bad can happen. Your brain is in balance, your life is good and even adversity is just on the outside. Inside you are rich.
And best of all
It all works automatically…
My method works automatically.
It would have to. Because the desensitization happened automatically. And my method works that way too.
And the problem goes away. And the penis starts having these great erections. And you begin feeling sensitivity you may have never felt in your adult life.
It isn’t something that requires pushing, or trying. That never works anyway. Have you noticed, LOL?
And if you want to know where to start, then register for this free web training that is the basis for everything I will reveal to you.
warmly
Should you masturbate and fantasize about your girlfriend?
Gary asked me recently, “Matt, I keep a photo of my girlfriend in my wallet. Sometimes I think about her and fantasize. Sometimes I take out her photo and put it in front of me, like at the gym while I’m doing my spinning exercise. Is this bad? Will this set me back in my recovery into fantastic sex that I want?”
In this article I want to answer this question posed by Gary.
Gary’s doing pretty well. He’s made big inroads with his testosterone and the programs in my Testosterone Rewind course are helping him fix his diet, his supplement regimen and his lifestyle so his blood sugars are reaching a normal level.
All good.
But Gary still suffers desensitization.
1. He doesn’t feel that much in his penis.
2. He often has sex with his girlfriend and can’t reach orgasm.
3. He often doesn’t get hard. It’s a crapshoot whether he will or he won’t. And often when he does get hard, the erection suddenly disappears at the worst moment.
These are all symptoms of desensitization.
But in this article we’re talking recovery and how fantasy can stop you from recovering from desensitization. I have mentioned many times that
The reptile brain can’t tell the difference between reality and fantasy
If Gary is wired to fantasy, he will be making his desensitization worse by fantasizing.
Why does fantasy hurt us? And isn’t it perfectly normal to fantasize?
Desensitization is a real, physiological problem. So think of another real physiological problem — I can can eat potato chips or an orange and it’s no big deal. There is a good amount of sugar and starch in these — but for me, it wouldn’t trigger a blood sugar problem.
But if I have had type two diabetes, I should avoid these foods because they will hurt my blood sugars and cause problems.
If you take a guy without desensitization, yeah he can fantasize. But for a guy who is recovering from desensitization, fantasy will hurt his recovery.
That’s because for instance in Gary’s case
Fantasy has wired his brain to respond to fantasy more than to a real woman
The brain kind of works like this: Brain cells fire, a rewarding spurt of dopamine makes the cells go “wow this is GREAT” and then you have feedback loop set up that will tend to want to continue that behavior that resulted in the rewarding dopamine spurt.
Dopamine is part of the brain’s reward circuitry, and the dopamine is what feels good about buying a new car, fucking a beautiful woman, getting a new iPad, or eating another cookie. It’s what makes heroin and cocaine so short-term rewarding.
We need dopamine to get out of bed in the morning. I love my dopamine. It makes me want my woman all the time. I love that.
But when you have become desensitized, your nerve cells fire and you get that dopamine reward from something OTHER than real sex with a real woman.
And the more often these nerves fire, and the dopamine surges, the more the brain gets carried away from being sensitive to real sex with a real woman. It gets to prefer the rush from porn, or fantasy…
That’s why practically
99% of all men who suffer desensitization need to keep away from fantasy
They need to get the brain cells firing with rewarding dopamine that happens from real sex with real women.
Now, there is such a thing as “good fantasy” and here’s what it is. It’s thinking about your girlfriend or your wife and feeling really good. Really, really good.
I can close my eyes and think of my wife and feel really good. The way I do when I see her in person.
I don’t fantasize a sex scene with her. I don’t fantasize a porn scene with her. It just feels really good, kind of dreamy. I feel really good.
And that’s how you can tell if a fantasy is bad or good. In general, any fantasy that makes you feel horny, or visualize a sex scene, should be avoided.
Just thinking of your woman and feeling really good — that’s good fantasy.
But for awhile, it may be difficult to have “good fantasy” so you may have to avoid all fantasy
That’s why guys in recovery shouldn’t be masturbating for awhile. The masturbation habits often involve fantasy and porn scenes. Whether the porn scenes are in a guy’s brain or on the computer screen, it’s all the same to the reptile brain.
The reptile brain doesn’t know the difference between fantasy and reality, remember?
Once you recover, you can masturbate generally. Unless it leads you back into porn (if you had a porn habit before.) But for awhile, you need to focus on recovering your sensitivity. And that means, avoiding all fantasy of every kind that leads you down the road to sex scenes and sex fantasies.
After you’ve fully recovered, then the fantasy is delicious and wonderful, so long as it’s the “good” kind, that makes you feel wonderful, and not the “bad” kind, that makes you feel horny
After a sex fantasy, you’ll feel horny for at least 30 minutes. That’s the time it takes for the spurt of sex hormones to subside in your system. So for that period, at least, you’ll be more prone to relapsing to masturbation and porn.
But if you have the “good” fantasy, which is not really a fantasy at all, but more a feeling, then you won’t get a horny feeling and you won’t be visualizing a sex scene.
How to tell the difference between good and bad fantasy
Bad fantasy:
1. Involves visualizing sex scenes
2. Leads to you feeling horny
3. Leads to you wanting to rub one out
4. Leads you to feeling like you want something you don’t have
Good fantasy:
1. Involves thinking of the person you love
2. Feeling the love you have for her and feeling really good
3. You feel kind of sleepy and wonderful all over
In fact, it’s a great way to get to sleep, to think of her in that way. It makes you feel really great and sets up your sleep for good dreams and waking up really rested.
But be careful. Make sure you are ready for this before you try it. For the moment, until your dick is fully back into action and you have your full feeling and sensitivity back, maybe you should steer clear.
And if you are looking for that incredible gorgeous girlfriend, or wanting to get back into the game, register for our exclusive new Factor X Girlfriend This Weekend web training. You’ll discover how to get a gorgeous girlfriend even if you lack sexual confidence…
warmly
And PLEASE leave a question or comment about your situation, or about what you have discovered. All the guys here in the Brotherhood (only 0.0001% ever comment) will benefit! And I appreciate it as it tells me I’m on the right track and keeps me going, to be honest. Thank you.